Mythic Tarot: Fools rush in... when they don't take heed!

This is the last semester of my BA in Psychology and I am currently working on my undergraduate thesis. My supervisor is a very nice teacher, with whom I have worked before, and because of that I figured things would run smoothly… but they haven't. At least not so far.

I don't want to change my supervisor, because I like him (and because it's going to be a pain in the neck to do so at this point), but if he doesn't start engaging more with me and my project, I may have to. So I turned to the cards to get an idea of what my options are. For that I used the Mythic Tarot.

1. What should I expect if I do seek a new supervisor? ~ Ace of Pentacles
Not a bad card at all, and it's comforting because it tells me that it's still possible to find another supervisor, if I choose to. Because it's an Ace, it points to new beginnings and potentials in terms of practical work, but it also hints that a new supervisor would mean having to 'start over' at some level.

While the Ace of Pentacles is definitely a good card for work, it does lose some of its power when compared to the next two cards, which are Major Arcana. My interpretation is that while I can definitely find someone else to supervise my project, the work itself will have 'minor' results. Not bad, but maybe not as potent as it could be.

2. What should I expect if I stay with the same supervisor? ~ Death
Uh-oh. At first, I was tempted to interpret it as a sign that I should, indeed, leave my current supervisor. But then I remembered my question was not what should I do, but what should I expect if I stay. And Death is the big severance card which… isn't very conducive to a lasting relationship. Upon meditating on this card, I got the idea that remaining with my current supervisor will require me to drastically change how I have been doing things so far.

Liz Green, the author, says that "we go naked into the underworld, for we cannot bring with us our previous patterns and attitudes which have provided us with security". So if I am to remain working with my supervisor, I will have to change the way I do things and be honest to him about what I expect.

Last but not least, I feel Death is telling me that working together on my project will change our relationship. We always got along well, and I confess there was a time I idealised him a lot (sometimes still do). Perhaps this experience will be the 'death' of my idealisation and my projections.

3. An advice to help decide ~ Temperance
This one is quite clear: don't rush in. Temperance tells me that I gain nothing by hurrying this decision only to pacify my anxious mind. It also prompts me to come up with in which to bring balance to the situation as it is right now. Is there anything I can do that does not involve extreme measures? Is my frustration making me get ahead of myself? Am I trying to run away from the conflict instead of biting the bullet and letting my current supervisor know that I am unhappy with how we have done things so far?

Questions, questions. All very much worth thinking about.

After this reading, I decided that I will take the matters to my current supervisor, let him know what is bothering me and see how it goes from there. If he can still meet me halfway after listening to some criticism, then there is a big chance we can keep working together. If not… well, I'll cross that bridge when/if I get there.

Mythic Tarot [Brazilian Edition] copyright © Madras Editora, Liz Greene, Juliet Sharman-Burke & Tricia Newell

New Moon Reading: Healing the divide

This reading was done for the latest New Moon Ceremony, the monthly meeting hosted by Ana Cortez. And wow... what a reading!

By the way, I'm finally the proud owner of a Doors of Somlipith set, which I took forever to buy due to the price (our currency here is quite devalued against US Dollars, making everything from abroad cost about 5x as much), and this was my very first time using this deck for an actual reading. Of course, the DOS is an updated version of the good ol' Alchemy Edition, which I have been using for years, so the cards were nonetheless very familiar. The book has a lot of new material though, which I will eventually write about.

Anyway, on to the reading itself. The first thing that got my undivided attention was the fact this spread looks... divided. Half of it all red, and half of it is all black. This, combined with the top card, the 7♥ (Sword of Healing), gave me my first hint: the coming cycle will be all about healing a division.

I found it fascinating, the way the sword of the 7♥ is pointing downwards, towards the rest of the reading. Had the card been upside down, with the sword pointing upwards, it would look like the 9♦ (Gawain) was wielding it. But instead, we get this picture of the Sword of Healing going against Gawain's sword… as if it wants to duel the 9♦!

The 9♦ is a very heroic card that can symbolise a helper or a protector. So we must look behind it to see what exactly it is protecting in this situation. That takes us to the darker half of the reading, where we have the 2♠ and the 9♠ – Medusa and Dracula, respectively. 

Going back to my first impression – the healing of a division –, I feel like this reading is pointing to a situation in which some heavy things have been kept buried under a very heroic and active façade. Someone is trying to remain very strong, very stoic, even though on the inside all sorts of paralysing conflicts (2♠) and life-draining obsessions (9♠) are festering. And since this reading is mine, that someone is probably me.

This reading says that there's no other way – Gawain must be struck by the Sword of Healing so that it can reach the darker part, the one that, if left unchecked, can actually become ill. The 7♥ is going to rain on Gawain's parade, but it must do so in order to soften the hard earth building up within.

A reading with two 9s also points irremediably to an ending, which is confirmed by the Geomantic Judge of this spread, Cauda Draconis. The means we have been using so far to deal with our issues are no longer cutting it. In the 9s, the energy of the suit tends to become rigid and extreme, so we have the 9♦ (representing a peak of energy or performance that will soon dwindle, because no fire burns forever) and the 9♠ (a dead form that takes up the space and the energy or living things, impeding renewal). Gawain must go, and so does Dracula, and the only way to get rid of them is by facing the 2♠ – the fear of losing both the (tiring) mask that protects (9♦) and the (unhealthy) attachments that support (9♠).

In short, the coming cycle will be a moment to heal divided parts within ourselves. For that to be possible, we will have to accept becoming vulnerable, less heroic and, possibly, less protective or our own darkness. We must acknowledge the fear and the anger that keep us paralysed, as well as our own attachment to certain dead-end fantasies, all which contribute to devitalization of our inner life. And this will involve cutting through the mask that keeps such things hidden and letting the sunlight (and the rain) in.

The Doors of Somlipith © Ana Cortez & C.J. Freeman

The Goddess Oracle: Surrender to the unknown

The year begins with the promise of change, and filled with questions I still do not feel ready (or able) to answer. What will be of my career after I graduate? Will I earn enough money as a psychologist? Will I succeed at anything? Will I marry? Will I have children? Is there still time for any of that? Or will I be called to another path entirely?

While these preoccupations are usually just percolating in the back of my mind, sometimes they come to the forefront and the weight of them hits me really hard. I get nervous when I realise that I am far behind in achieving certain traditional adulthood milestones. Of course, a lot of that is my own tyrannical self-criticism doing its thing. It's not like my life is an utter disaster. I have a stable job, I have my own place, my own car, I am studying and I have excellent grades even though I both work and study... I am well-liked by my patients and colleagues. I'm doing my best with what I have in hands at the moment, but my inner critic only focuses on the ways I seem to be falling behind compared to my peers.

I am not a naturally anxious person. However, coming to the conclusion that certain issues are still beyond my control (because it is not time for me to tackle them just yet) can sometimes lead me to experience the "racing thoughts" people with anxiety often describe. This happened to me yesterday, and as I realised that running in circles (mentally) was not helping me get closer to any useful solution, I decided to turn to the cards for help.

I did not have a definite question; I just wanted to shed some light on what am I supposed to do with all these thoughts and doubts that I cannot solve yet, but that will not leave me either. The funny thing is that, as I shuffled the cards, the image of Yemaya's card flashed in my mind. And when she came up, I knew I was just getting a powerful confirmation of what I already (kind of) knew: the only way to deal with what is beyond your control is to surrender.

These two questions from the Goddess Oracle book hit me hard: Do you think you must do it all by yourself? Have you come up against a wall and feel the only way to get to the other side is by breaking through? Because they have ME written all over them. That is me: always believing that I must decide and do everything on my own, and often struggling against the walls because I fear nothing will happen if I don't break through them myself. Needless to say that I have a difficult time trusting others – even the Divine, sometimes.

So Yemaya was a gentle wake-up chant, telling me that I must do what I can with what I have in hands right now, and let the uncontrollable aspects of the future unfold as they may. You can plan ahead, but you cannot act ahead. The moment for certain decisions has yet to come; right now, I need to surrender and trust that the dots will somehow connect. It's not about giving up, but about realising that you can't skip steps in your life's journey. Like Nathan Algren says in The Last Samurai, you do what you can until destiny is revealed. And you must trust that destiny will reveal itself, one way or another.

After the reading, I lit a candle and an incense, thanking Her for gently untangling me from my anxious thoughts. I slept well for the first time in many nights.

Wholeness is nurtured when you realise that the only way through some situations is to surrender and open to something greater. ~ Yemaya, from The Goddess Oracle


The Goddess Oracle [Brazilian Edition] copyright © Amy Sophia Marashinsky & Hrana Janto

The Grail Tarot says... go to Her.

Spiritual thirst has the strangest effects on me.

It begins as an aggressive disconnection from the people around me. My eyes seem to lose their kindness, and I have quite violent thoughts about others, wishing they would all just disappear so that I may be alone and in silence. Then the aggression shifts inwards, and I turn the unkind eye to myself. I look at everything I am with disgust and, under my own relentless onslaught, I grow more and more alone and disconnected. I cannot reach out for others – they would not understand and I would feel exposed. I cannot reach within, because what hates me is in there. I am alone.

This week was filled with such moments. And as I felt the moon grow fuller, I just wanted some comfort. Someone who would listen and, through a radical acceptance, lend me some peace. Sadly, I have no one I feel that I can trust with that. Nowadays, not even my therapist.

It was during one of those episodes that I decided to use my good ol' Grail Tarot and ask for some... comfort. Really, I did not even have a well-defined question in my mind. I just wanted a sign. I used The Brothers Spread, a two-card layout that is taught in the book and that has helped me many times before.

The first card is is the Indicator, and is the answer to the question. Here we have the Six of Stones, which shows the Seeker kneeling before a status of the Virgin Mary after having all his things stolen. He's down to the bare bones, yet he must continue his journey. This card points there is a way out of a dark place, but one must be willing to ask for help or resort to someone in a higher position. For me, the meaning was very clear – it was high time I went to the Mother, to speak to her of my confusion and pain.

The second card, which is the Qualifier, only seemed to confirm this. I drew the Lady of Lances, and here we see the Pietà: Mary cradling the body of her dead son after the Passion of Christ. Mary supports Jesus' mortal body, carrying for it even through her own sorrow. According to The Grail Tarot book, this card means that even through the hardest moments, one is supported. "When things seem to heavy to bear, she [Mary] walks beside [the Seeker], offering her gentle wisdom and loving kindness to restore their spirits" (p.120). The first card told me to go to Her. To the Mother, She of a Thousand Faces, who called me to Her when I was but a child and taught me the ways of both light and darkness. The second card confirms - She is listening. Take your pain to Her, for She is there.

I went to my altar and wept, like I hadn't done in months. And there She was.



The Grail Tarot © REDFeather, John Matthews & Giovanni Caselli 

Deck Review: The Moon Oracle by Caroline Smith & John Astrop

Today I want to talk about a deck that I have been wanting to review since I first started this blog: The Moon Oracle, by Caroline Smith & John Astrop. It was one of the first decks that I ever got (the Brazilian edition of it, back then), and one I have owned on and off for many years.

The Moon Oracle comprises 72 cards, which can be divided into three minor decks: the Goddess cards, the Moon Phase cards and the Moon Mansions cards. There are 12 Moon Goddesses from different cultures, like Artemis, Ishtar, Lilith, Kali, Freya etc. The Moon Phases include each of the eight lunar phases in each element, so you have a total of 32 cards. And the Mansion cards are related to the 28 segments of the sky through which the Moon travels as it orbits the earth.

The cards and the book of instructions come in a very sturdy pull-out silver box, which keeps them protected when not being used and makes it easier to leave the set on display on a shelf. The quality of the material and the design of this oracle is not to be underestimated: the cards are big (~ 8x13 cm) and gorgeous, with vivid colours and a non-sticky glossy finish that can endure a lot of shuffling. I believe this is a deck that can stand heavy use and transportation, without you needing to worry that cards will bend or disintegrate in your hands. The art by Caroline Smith is drop-dead gorgeous and distinctive, with a slightly indigenous vibe to it. And for each lunar phase, Smith created a unique mandala, one more beautiful than the other. It's a veritable feast for the eyes!

The book is also very well-designed and well-organised. There is a small introductory part explaining the moon phases and mansions, and some moon-related astrology. Then you jump into the cards, first the Moon Phases, then the Goddesses and then the Moon Mansions. Finally, you have instructions on how to read the cards, with two original spreads (The Elemental Cross and The Seven Sisters) and the good ol' Celtic Cross. The last past of the book includes detailed moon tables, so you can easily find the exact date when the moon changes and also what sign and element it is in, which is important when you are using the Moon Phase cards.

Animal Spirit: The vulture and the fox

After doing that relationship reading for a friend, I decided to do a different one for myself. Not that L and I we are having any big issues right now but I do feel that soon I will be confronted with important decisions regarding what I want and expect from our relationship of nearly 4 years.

This time, I chose the Wild Unknown Animal Spirit oracle and used one of the spreads that come in the book. It's a very straightforward 4-card spread, but I have added a 5th card in the centre for advice. The author, Kim Krans, doesn't really explain the positions of the spread in depth, and two of them – shadow dynamic and illuminated dynamic – felt very… vague to me. So I chose to interpret the shadow dynamic as that which is lacking or not developing naturally and the illuminated dynamic as that which flows naturally in the relationship.

 

1. You ~ Vulture
At first, the vulture does not seem to be the sort of card we would like to draw for ourselves. But as I read the description in the book and gave it some thought, the meaning of this card became very clear. According to Krans "the vulture appears when there's a situation that needs to be purified or brought back into balance". In my relationship with L, I often feel like I take up this role, of processing the dark and negative stuff and 'flushing it out' of the relationship. It's a difficult position to be sometimes because L is a very rational person, and so I end up seeming the crazy one of the pair, since I bring up and deal with the unconscious emotional 'waste' that he doesn't see (or ignores).

Mythic Oracle: Speaking of Mr K

It's been a while since I last did a relationship reading for anyone. Recently though, a friend has asked for one, as she is trying to understand her connection with one of her colleagues. Her name is A, and we are calling him 'Mr K' (because it sounds fun, mind you).

They actually met long before they even worked together and, while there has never been anything romantic between them, she says they have always had this... mutual spark. According to A, their communication is easy and fluid, with them often thinking the same things and naturally complementing each other's ideas.

Now, A doesn't really believe that any relationship more than friendly and professional is possible between her and Mr K, if only because she is engaged already, and would never jeopardise what she has over a mere 'spark'. But that fact is that her fantasy is being kicked into motion whenever they happen to be together, and she is self-aware enough to know that this can muddle up the way she perceives reality.

So, A asked me for this reading in order to gain some clarity about the actual nature of her connection with Mr K. Let's see what the Mythic Oracle has to say about it.

1. The nature of the relationship or how we relate to each other ~ Hades (The Underworld)
My first thought was that this card relates the fact they both work in a field that explored the unconscious mind and the hidden sides of human matters, which are connected with the idea of the Underworld. On the other hand, the Hades card also speaks of the shadow aspect… the more reprehensible desires and impulses, the ones that people usually deny and feel ashamed of. So maybe there is an undertow of hidden emotions that connects A and Mr K, one that they must acknowledge but not act upon or allow to surface.

2. Lesson to be learnt from the relationship ~ Heracles (Strength)
Heracles is a card of strength, but one that is applied with discipline and focus. The lesson to be learnt here is one of restraint – not repression born out of denial ('let's pretend nothing is happening'), but conscious, focused strength of character to endure an uneasy situation until the task is completed. So, A must learn to keep her eye on the prize  – that is, her work – and avoid following the siren song of fantasy. It helps to remember that Heracles' labours were not just him being heroic: they were his punishment for killing his wife and children during a bout of madness. So clearly, the strength to be learnt here is one that can withstand powerlessness, frustration and the fluctuations of emotions.

Last Post of the Year

It's kinda ironic to decide to post just a couple of hours before the New Year (at least here in my lonely corner of the planet), when I have barely made any other posts during 2023.

This year was as great as it was tough.
This year also nearly sucked my soul dry.

For the first time in my life, I am spending the Réveillon – that is how we call the New Year celebration here – completely alone. It wasn't my plan, originally. I first hoped to spend it with L, but he got invited by his father to go to the beach. He is on holidays, I am not, so I could not go.

Then I hoped to be with my mother, since I figured she would want to celebrate at home after returning (she spent Christmas abroad with my sister). Turns out she had already made other arrangements with a friend.

My father was my last option, as he had told me he and his wife were going to spend the New Year's Eve here in the city. But in the last minute, a colleague agreed to fill in for him at work, and off he went with his wife on a little getaway.

So here I am, all alone at home, wondering how can I make it special even though all I want is to sleep and forget the world. I have enough exhaustion in my veins to sleep for the next 365 days. As I said, this year sucked my soul nearly dry. The first half of 2024 will probably be more of the same, if not worse. After that, if all goes well, I will finally graduate, and then what comes next... who knows.

I do not feel lonely. I do not feel anything, to be honest. I am thinking about taking a cleansing shower, with salt and herbs, as I always do. Then eat lentil stew – it's a food associated with abundance here in Brazil. Maybe light a good quality incense and smudge my flat. Maybe drink champagne, put some music on, dance. Maybe speak to the Gods – I haven't talked to them since... forever.

And yet... yet there is the tiredness in my heart. A heaviness on my forehead, between my eyebrows, one that often feels like a fissure, like I have a gaping hole where a third eye should be. And then comes this ugly little voice proclaiming the absurdity of it all. What is the point of doing all this, this pantomime of rite and celebration, of spirituality, if nothing inside me seems to change? If I feel constantly crushed by this unnameable anguish that will not allow itself to be cried out of my system? If I often wonder if the Gods care, if They see, if They listen, or if I am just grasping at straws, wanting to believe because otherwise I feel hollow and meaningless.

I think this is one of my greatest flaws: my veiled (and often denied) dependency on an element outside of myself to confer meaning and importance to my existence. Rationally, I know this is not the way to go. And from a purely intellectual point of view, I realise that I must create my own reason to be, because nothing is a given. But as a person who is irremediably called by spirituality, it simply does not suffice to merely accept the reality I see without seeking something beyond.

Like Mulder in the X-Files, I want to believe. Something within me needs faith. And yet, the older I grow, the less I seem to be able to just trust and believe. How does one escape such a conundrum? 

I have never been prone to nostalgia – the past is the past, I must understand it in order to not repeat it, but there is no point in holding it too dear, for I am never going back there again. But lately, I have this sad longing for who I used to be when I was younger. Who I was when I first began to write this blog. So silly, and yet so hopeful, so wide-eyed, so prone to passion, so trusting of my own desires. So willing to try and lose because I believed still had enough time to recover what was lost, if needed.

I usually do not linger in the past. I do not dwell on the missed opportunities, on the dreams that fell apart, on the many doors that were slammed shut in my face before I ever got the chance of seeing what waited for me on the other side. I have come to accept that there are no shortcuts, and that the only way forward is to carry out the tasks I am given by life. I now understand that all important decisions are ultimately made alone, and that I will be the one to pay the price or reap the benefits of what I choose to do with myself.

So I press on, and try to not scrutinise too much the wounds that have carved me into who I am. Sometimes though, I do wonder about what has been lost in the process of my own making. The pieces of me that fell off on the road to who I am now – a much harder, less trusting person, one that has learnt to protect herself and to prevail regardless of the cost. I am stronger now, more resilient and overall a better player of the worldly games.

I am also smothering inside my own armour. And try as I might, I can't seem to remember how to take it off.

What is the point about this post? There is no point, really. I will now get up and do my rituals, because the other option is staring at the walls and feeling sorry for myself for being such a mess on the inside. Truth is, I can't keep expecting for something or someone outside of me to crown me with meaning and importance, and it seems that not matter how much I try to divest myself from this debility, I nevertheless still cling to it.

And perhaps this is the big lesson of ending up alone during the New Year: that I am, indeed, alone. Thus, I must create light and meaning and reason to celebrate in my own solitude. I must know myself to be worth existing even if no one sees me or admires me or approves me. That any rituals I decide to do are not for the benefit of something outside myself, but rather are meant to satisfy something in me, to express something of myself, and no one else needs to avow its validity or not.

Perhaps this is a call to strengthen myself in a new way. No longer by wearing this heavy armour that lets nothing – life, included – pass through. But by fully embracing the expression of myself, in such a way that the armour will no longer be needed.

I am half sick of shadows...

To say that the last few months have been exhausting is an understatement. I've been juggling classes, work and an internship for a year now and it's no cakewalk. I know it's only temporary and that, like everything, it too shall pass... but it has been leaving me with little time and energy for more spiritual pursuits.

Not that, if given all time and freedom in the world, I would know where to go right now.

Sometimes, I miss the safety of having a more 'definite' spiritual background to guide me. My practice, as it is, is a hotchpotch of the traditions that have touched me in one way or another over the years. A little bit of Wicca here, another handful of Greek mythology there, a pinch of Celtic-inspired Paganism, a dash of Catholicism... And, despite having more or less created a spiritual practice that suits my reality, I do not ever feel at home. At best, I am a nomad... at worst, an interloper.

I try to be as careful as I can to avoid cultural appropriation. In my spiritual practice, I do not use items or symbols that belong to cultural groups that have been subjugated in my country, nor I work with their deities. This is one of the reasons why, for instance, I have never worshipped Yoruba deities, even though their cult is widespread here in Brazil. As a white person, I do not believe I have the right to summon black Gods and Goddesses without having established any deeper connection with the African-Brazilian community.

In all honesty, the only pantheons I feel truly comfortable working with is the Greek and Roman ones, because these civilisations were fundamental to the entire western culture. Thus, I feel more legitimate when calling upon these deities than the ones from other societies.

The fact that my own heritage is very mixed also poses a problem. I do not have any obvious ancestry, like so many people do. My family background is all over the place, excluding Oriental countries and the African continent (as far as I know). I have French, Germanic, Iberian, Italian, Lebanese, Native origins, amongst others, all distant enough so that nothing concrete has been inherited in terms of spirituality. I have no reference point from which to start, no blueprint which to follow in order to reclaim a presumed ancestral practice or knowledge.

For that reason, my walk through the winding roads of spirituality is also very lonely. In the current 'sacred feminine' trend we have here, I see a lot of cultural appropriation and superficiality going on – spirit is being used to sell stuff, from coaching to natural cosmetics. And I cannot bona fide join this sort of thing. Meanwhile, I also don't feel like I belong in communities that are truly honouring or rediscovering their ancestral traditions if I cannot ascertain my own claim over that ancestry... which I can never really do, coming from an absurdly mixed heritage.

Living in the Southern Hemisphere also proves a challenge. Most of books and sources I use for research usually come from the Northern Hemisphere, and deal with the seasonal realities there, so I cannot help but feel that my practice is always dislocated. It's as if I am always trying too hard to compensate for the fact that my seasons, my climate, my plants, my animals... in short, my reality doesn't match the guidebook.

Nothing feels mine. And I don't feel like I belong in any faith, or any community. In terms of spiritual ancestry, I feel very much like an orphan, trying to fit in a foster home but ever aware that it's not my real home, nor my real family, and who knows if anyone even wants me there in the first place. Who knows if the Celtic or the Nordic gods would answer to the call of a little mixed descendant of their people, 20 times removed.

I seem to suffer from a sort of "Spiritual Imposter Syndrome". And it has been getting in the way... a lot. I feel a bit like the Lady of Shalott, seeing beautiful things through a mirror, but forbidden to take part in them.

Art: The Lady Of Shalott by Emma Florence Harrison (1877-1955, United Kingdom)

The cruelty of the oracles

Something very sad happened today: one of my boyfriend's cat passed away in my arms. She was suffering from feline hepatic lipidosis, and was being fed through a feeding tube... the disease is reversible sometimes, but we believe she had some unknown comorbidity which made her unresponsive to treatment. We did everything we could to help her, to no avail.

For me, it was particularly painful because Princess was my favourite. Not that I don't love the other cats, but she and I had a special connection. I was the first to notice when she seemed sick, and she responded whenever I called her.

When I first learnt about the worsening of her condition, I was out of town visiting my grandmothers. L told me she first seemed to be improving, and then had a sudden turn to worse. Being so far away and powerless to help, I decided to do a reading about to expect – and it shook me to the bone.

The deck I had with myself was The Wild Unknown Tarot pocket edition, and he cards I drew were the Son of Wands, the 9 of Wands and the (shudder) 8 of Cups.