And the worms ate into her brain.

(Long text ahead, a bit depressing perhaps but necessary for me. Read at own discretion and... judge kindly.)

For a few days now I have been pondering about my next post in the blog. I have even written a long, detailed personal account of how I have been feeling (which can be pretty much summed-up as 'neck deep in a quagmire'), only to discard it as being way-too-personal and better suited for a private journal than a public blog on cartomancy.

The text has some connection to my cartomantic practice, because it explains why. Why I have not been able to write, nor read, nor do anything productive here in the blog - or even in my life. While  I could blame it on my grandfather's situation, it would be unfair because this problem has always been here. In me.

Oracle Speak ~ June 19th - July 19th

I decided to have another go at doing an "Oracle Speak" for the coming Moon cycle! For those who don't know, the Oracle Speak is a monthly (used to be bi-weekly) forecast reading... a message from the cards to the people who read it. I won't say "to the whole world" because the idea is a bit preposterous to me. I believe those who need the message will find it, and this reading is for them.

I did the reading last night, during the New Moon, before I moved to some prayer/ritual/meditation regarding my Grandfather's health conditions.

The first card I noticed in this spread is Mardoc, king of Spades. The only Black card, and at the top of the spread, which is a meaningful position. But certainly, for a guy who calls himself "the heartless", he has a good bunch of Hearts following him. This spread reminds me a of a crème brûlée... hard caramel top, and delicious vanilla custard underneath.

I believe the coming cycle will start with an ending. Huh? Well, the 13♠ is not simply the last card in the Spades group, but he also closely related to death, to doors that close. In the first days, as the Moon grows brighter, we may still feel a certain bitterness, or melancholy, or just a general dissatisfaction towards our situation or something we have experienced. But these feelings will lose their strength, as we enter a phase of healing, symbolised by the following Heart cards.

In this spread there a strong feeling of 'starting a new cycle' - it may be related to today's solstice, as well. In the Northern Hemisphere it's the beginning of Summer, and here in the Southern Hemisphere, of Winter. A new Season begins in our lives.

The other card that jumped out in this layout is the 3♥, because it's the only upright card. For me, it tells that, though we may experience an improvement (specially emotional, helping to ease some physical problems), there will be some moments of instability, related to opposing desires.

From one side, we have the desire to connect to others, to share, to get in touch, and thus expose ourselves to the outer world. On the other side, the healing is not done yet, and we may feel compelled to stay inside our 'egg', waiting a bit longer. As comfortable as this alternative may seem, it may make our emotional river turn into a quagmire. The inner waters must not be held still for too long.

In a nutshell: In the coming cycle, feelings and experiences that have been dragging us down will start to lose their grip a bit, as we walk towards healing. It can become an intense month, emotionally-speaking,and there will be the need to balance the urge to expose oneself to others with the impulse to withdraw completely into safety. Sticking to any of the extremes is not good - true growth will come from learning how to work with both tendencies in the appropriate moments. You will have the opportunity to practice your emotional flexibility - Pilates for the spirit!

The Playing Card Oracles © Ana Cortez & C.J. Freeman

The art of not-knowing

The last week has been difficult for my family and I. My grandfather came to our city to investigate some serious symptoms he was having. He is 73, but he had never had a decent doctor's appointment. He is from a generation (and from a family) that believed that being sick was a sign of weakness, a reason to be ashamed. His mother died last February and she had always been proud of never needing a doctor. She died of pancreatic cancer, discovered in the last two weeks of her life.

Thank goodness my grandfather didn't wait so long. When he arrived he was on the brink of renal insufficiency due to an enlarged prostate, and very anaemic. Further kidney problems were avoided by immediate treatment and he will not need dialysis. But what is causing the anaemia is still a mystery, and yesterday we received tough news: he has prostate cancer.

My mother is a doctor (pathologist) and I have been absorbing a big part of her worry, sadness and stress. Sometimes I feel she is trying to master the art of envisioning  all possible worst-case scenarios. And she discusses such things with me, which makes me feel bad because there is nothing I can do. Nothing I say comforts her and whenever I try to be optimistic, she accuses me of being flippant and shallow. I feel crushed by a ton of rocks, completely powerless.

We need to know. We need to know our disease so we can cure it. We need to know our mistakes so we can avoid falling into the same traps. We need to know who our enemies are and who our friends are. Knowing is important, knowledge is power. But I have begun to think that, sometimes, excessive knowledge can distort our views of things. Because we are so sure that we know, we don't allow any new idea into our minds, any fresh breath of air into our lives. We don't let life surprise us. We refuse to believe in anything that challenges our views. It makes us mentally stubborn and pessimistic (or overly optimistic in some cases), and worse: it doesn't help.

Of course I am worried about my grandfather! When I first heard that he was sick, I thought about doing a reading. But I quickly ruled out the idea when I realised my heart would never collaborate - it would try to bend the message. So I decided I didn't want to know, and I still don't. I have decided to focus on doing instead - visiting him, giving him my love and support, exercising hope and trust. Help him to find peace of mind, to discover his own hope. 

I wish I could give that to my mother, and I wish she wouldn't take it so badly. I am not being frivolous, I just don't believe negative thoughts can help. We need to prepare for worst, but not make it the centre of our vision, lest we stop seeing the good that can still happen. I trust my grandfather's doctors enough to know they will be serious about their job... so I can be the one who will bring a smile to my grandpa's face when I see him. He already has enough reasons to frown.

I wish my mother would step away from grandfather's treatment as a doctor, and return as the daughter. She says it's impossible: "I am a doctor, how the hell am I going to pretend to 'not-know' when I do!?". I realise it's not easy. Once you have an open door to a certain knowledge, it feels impossible to close it. But I believe we must exercise shutting it sometimes, specially when said knowledge will plant negative things in our minds.

We act based on what we think, and that is how our thoughts shape our reality. We need to be careful about what kind of seeds we are sowing into the fertile earth of our minds.

PCO ~ Is he going to move the relationship forward?

A couple of weeks ago, I began to offer readings in exchange for detailed feedback. I already had some willing guinea pigs, and today I am sharing the reading I did for Beverly R. about her relationship with  Jerry. She gave me full permission to post the reading and feedback here. Her feedback is highlighted in green.

Question: I am curious about Jerry and if he's gonna move the relationship forward? If so, a time frame would be nice. If not, I'd like to know why. 

You asked whether the relationship is going to move forward or not. So I drew two Witches Runes to answer to this question, and what I got were the Crossroads and the Scythe. You can see their symbols right above the cards.

From one side, this combination that your connection to this person is deep, and may even be something 'karmic' - something ruled by spiritual forces.  Yes, the karmic connection has been mentioned before.

The Scythe shows there's a strong magnetism, and that it's the kind of relationship that is hard to get away from once you are involved, because something keeps pulling you into it.  Yes, very strong magnetism.

However, these two symbols also bring a warning - that you should expect a big change in your relationship with Jerry. It can be for better or for worse, though the Crossroads rune indicates that there might be some communication problems along the way, a difficulty in understand what the other really wants, which can lead to misunderstandings. If the difficulties pile up they may lead to a fight.  Yes, this week there have been some communication issues, and he's really stressed with work and his life in general.

So try to be as upfront as you can to Jerry, in order to not mislead or be misled. I'll keep this in mind!!!!

Then I asked the cards about a time frame for this change, as well as the circumstances. The time given by the cards was between late August and mid-September. He asked his boss for a transfer to the beach so perhaps this will happen then. 

The first thing I noticed in these cards is that they give a strong feeling of indecision. Yes, he's wishy washy, don't know what he wants but I'm working with him on this. Did a visualization technique with him today about a vacation. I think it's possible that Jerry tries to distance himself from you during this time, because he's unsure as what to do, how to proceed. He's uncertain about his own feelings and desires.  Yes, he's uncertain as he thinks he always screws up everything, so he's distancing himself now. The cards show he perhaps is the kind of person who is rather rational, so when emotions attack him he feels out of his depth and nervous.  Yes, he is rational. An intelligent mental man and emotions send him in circles.

I see some fear of commitment in the cards too. He may go through some emotional vacillation. YEAP!!! You hit the nail on the head. He told me back in March that he has commitment issues and isn't fond of change!!!

The cards are not promising a concrete development right now - it's possible that you two are still creating your future. But answering directly to your question, I believe Jerry won't be moving the relationship forward, at least not for the coming three months... probably out of insecurity and due to commitment issues. EXACTLY as I suspected.