Strangers on this road we are on...

Last Tuesday I went with a friend to a bar downtown, close to a small lake where the hippies, the rockers, the gypsies, the hipsters and the mystics meet. There, under the trees, people sit on sarongs, play guitar, talk in groups, sell beads, share beers, smoke joints and cigarettes.

I went there with this friend because we are both single and coming from emotional dead-ends. Since there's a very slim chance of the pizza guy being our prince, we might as well go out and meet new people.

I took with me a sarong to sit on and a normal playing deck of cards (I always carry one). I chose this deck because it tends to go unnoticed by the crowd, and also because I enjoy reading with very simple playing cards sometimes. It helps me to focus on the essential. My friend asked me for a reading, and right after I finished it two guys approached us and began to ask me about the cards.

After I explained what I was doing, they wanted readings too. I was unsure but my friend spurred me on and told them I was a witch (imagine that!).

And so it happened: my first two readings to complete strangers. And I do mean complete strangers, 'cause I can't even recall their names (I just remember that one guy was a Leo and the other was an Aquarius). They seemed very shocked by the things I told them - apparently I was quite accurate, much to my own surprise. I am not so sure about one of them (the Leo), because he was obviously hitting on us so it wouldn't be absurd to think he was just flattering me (I happen to be rather impervious to flattery, so it didn't work).

But the other guy (the Aquarius) was not, and he was wide-eyed as I told him he was feeling very lost and confused because he was being forced to leave behind a relationship that had been very good. Turns out he had just divorced his long-time wife.  I told him he needed to be careful to not seek too much comfort on food or drink, because this is not the kind of thing that would nourish his heart. (Curious? His is the reading that is decorating this post).

He left in a daze. And I found that a certain nonchalance is helpful when reading. Not that you are careless about the message, or about expressing it (you are dealing with people, care and empathy are a requirement), but you don't worry so much about the mechanics. You let it flow, you go with your first impressions. It's like singing - if you are forcing it, you ain't doing it the best way.



Highlanders 1864 Poker Deck © US Games System, Inc.

...and I become Terrene.

When I read the Playing Card Oracles book for the first time, I remember wondering which card I'd use to represent myself in the Lost Man Spread. It's a spread that needs a significator - which card could symbolise me?

As young girl, my attention went to the 10s - the ladies of the pack. The first obvious choice would be Tendra, 10♦ (to whom I have dedicated a post in the past). I'm Sagittarius Sun / Sagittarius Rising / Aries Moon - that is plenty of fire for one person. But for some reason, I didn't identify very much with Tendra's general personality... I was kinda wussy compared to her. It didn't feel right. 

Next in line was Fortuna (10♣). She is lovely, but not like me at all. I'm at best a fake carefree. Behind these smiling eyes there is stress, breathing-down-your-neck stress and anxiety. Tsk tsk. That won't do it.

Then I came across Allegra, the 10♥. According to Ana Cortez, she is passionate, romantic, young at heart, vulnerable, risk-taking, impulsive, emotional, moody. Hey - that was me to the bone!

And thus Allegra became my PCO avatar for the next six years. Picture us running across a sunset-lit beach, meeting each other in a hug of joyous recognition. The end. Credits.

...wait a tic. This is not how it ends.

This is not how it ends because it doesn't end. I mean, it will end when I die, but until then I'm subject to the Wheel of Fortune just like the next fellow. And that means being subject to change.

And lately, much to my surprise, it seems the Powers have decided to change my own significator for me. Shouldn't I be surprised when, in the few readings I have done for myself lately, I constantly see Lady Terrene, the 10♠, showing me where I am? The only lady I didn't even consider when first choosing a significator for myself.

Who is this girl? Again, according to Ana Cortez: earthy, grounded (uh...), serving or subservient (eh?), melancholic (alright but...), nuturing, protecting, sensual (yeah, right), practical (wha--?), meek or modest (WHAT!?).

As you can see, I did not quite agree with the choice. *shakes fist at the heavens* You crazy bro'?

It's getting harder to read for myself...

...but I actually see this as an evolution in my journey as a card-reader!

For the longest time I could do readings for myself with a certain level of tranquillity, whereas reading for other people almost made me faint with anxiety. For the record - it still does.

But I've noticed that it's becoming... easier to read for others. For some reason, when reading for them the message comes more directly to me, because it doesn't get so tangled up in my own web of emotional attachment. I care about my sitter, but I'm not in their skin. My own feelings and ideas don't get in the way, because it's not my message - it's theirs.

Now, it's not easy and it's not perfect. I don't sit quietly like a swami guru while a stream of consummate wisdom flows from my lips. Nope. Very often the message comes in strange ways, in words and metaphors that make my querent raise an eyebrow (and that make me feel like the silliest card reader in history).

But sometimes... sometimes, while I'm talking in my usual quirky style, I notice the sitter staring intently at me. And I feel they are getting the message, even if right now they can't connect to the words themselves. They will, when it's time. As for me, I'm still learning to trust myself as a messenger.

On the other hand, reading to myself has become a real disaster. I lay the cards and... most of time it makes no sense. Of course, there are readings that fall on my head like bird poop and just can't be ignored, but the ones that need greater emotional subtlety (and a certain impartiality) make me utterly lost.

Maybe it's the contrast between the clarity I get when reading for others (of course, I still get some anxiety-fuelled blank-spots) and the muddiness I get when trying to read for myself. My own judgement and expectations definitely make it harder for me to fully accept the cards' message.

I haven't started reading for complete strangers yet but some of my sitters are distant acquaintances, friends of friends whom I'm meeting for the first time etc. For shy, self-critical little me it's a helluva improvement! And it happened in the moment I stopped giving a damn. When I was so down in the dumps that people asked for readings and I gave them just so they would stop asking.

When my perfectionism got out of the way, I found myself able to move forwards.