I came back, but I didn't really come back.
I created this blog in as moment of my journey in which it made sense to me to dedicate a place to my divination/spiritual practises. And I liked the results so much that I kept it alive even when I had to step away to pick my broken self off the ground. This blog is a cosy little den that I built, clumsily at some points, but nevertheless with love.
But then I left because I had to leave, and later I came back because I had the urge... and now I begin realise that I'm not really back. I'm not because although I have returned to the same place, I'm no longer the same person.
I have pretty much outgrown my deck hoarder self. My collection is kept intact by sheer inertia (and I'm honestly thinking about selling a large part of it). But that's not what is worrying me. I have also been possessed by an unrelenting disbelief.
I have had other times of crisis, and some of them have been shared here. But never one so powerful, never one that has filled my very bones with doubt, making me mistrust everything about the world and about myself.
Like Jonah in the biblical story, I feel like I have been thrown overboard from a ship and then engulfed by a huge whale. Only I don't know how long I'm staying in its belly, and I have no idea what I must do in order to leave. It's possible that, also like Jonah, I have been sailing in the opposite direction to where I should be going, and now my Self is demanding that I spend some time in the darkness until my purpose is revealed. Or until I learn to grope my way in the dark.
All this is a metaphorical way to say... I am not sure if I should maintain this blog. Because now all the things that it stands for seem unreal to me.
