I am half sick of shadows...

To say that the last few months have been exhausting is an understatement. I've been juggling classes, work and an internship for a year now and it's no cakewalk. I know it's only temporary and that, like everything, it too shall pass... but it has been leaving me with little time and energy for more spiritual pursuits.

Not that, if given all time and freedom in the world, I would know where to go right now.

Sometimes, I miss the safety of having a more 'definite' spiritual background to guide me. My practice, as it is, is a hotchpotch of the traditions that have touched me in one way or another over the years. A little bit of Wicca here, another handful of Greek mythology there, a pinch of Celtic-inspired Paganism, a dash of Catholicism... And, despite having more or less created a spiritual practice that suits my reality, I do not ever feel at home. At best, I am a nomad... at worst, an interloper.

I try to be as careful as I can to avoid cultural appropriation. In my spiritual practice, I do not use items or symbols that belong to cultural groups that have been subjugated in my country, nor I work with their deities. This is one of the reasons why, for instance, I have never worshipped Yoruba deities, even though their cult is widespread here in Brazil. As a white person, I do not believe I have the right to summon black Gods and Goddesses without having established any deeper connection with the African-Brazilian community.

In all honesty, the only pantheons I feel truly comfortable working with is the Greek and Roman ones, because these civilisations were fundamental to the entire western culture. Thus, I feel more legitimate when calling upon these deities than the ones from other societies.

The fact that my own heritage is very mixed also poses a problem. I do not have any obvious ancestry, like so many people do. My family background is all over the place, excluding Oriental countries and the African continent (as far as I know). I have French, Germanic, Iberian, Italian, Lebanese, Native origins, amongst others, all distant enough so that nothing concrete has been inherited in terms of spirituality. I have no reference point from which to start, no blueprint which to follow in order to reclaim a presumed ancestral practice or knowledge.

For that reason, my walk through the winding roads of spirituality is also very lonely. In the current 'sacred feminine' trend we have here, I see a lot of cultural appropriation and superficiality going on – spirit is being used to sell stuff, from coaching to natural cosmetics. And I cannot bona fide join this sort of thing. Meanwhile, I also don't feel like I belong in communities that are truly honouring or rediscovering their ancestral traditions if I cannot ascertain my own claim over that ancestry... which I can never really do, coming from an absurdly mixed heritage.

Living in the Southern Hemisphere also proves a challenge. Most of books and sources I use for research usually come from the Northern Hemisphere, and deal with the seasonal realities there, so I cannot help but feel that my practice is always dislocated. It's as if I am always trying too hard to compensate for the fact that my seasons, my climate, my plants, my animals... in short, my reality doesn't match the guidebook.

Nothing feels mine. And I don't feel like I belong in any faith, or any community. In terms of spiritual ancestry, I feel very much like an orphan, trying to fit in a foster home but ever aware that it's not my real home, nor my real family, and who knows if anyone even wants me there in the first place. Who knows if the Celtic or the Nordic gods would answer to the call of a little mixed descendant of their people, 20 times removed.

I seem to suffer from a sort of "Spiritual Imposter Syndrome". And it has been getting in the way... a lot. I feel a bit like the Lady of Shalott, seeing beautiful things through a mirror, but forbidden to take part in them.

Art: The Lady Of Shalott by Emma Florence Harrison (1877-1955, United Kingdom)