And the worms ate into her brain.

(Long text ahead, a bit depressing perhaps but necessary for me. Read at own discretion and... judge kindly.)

For a few days now I have been pondering about my next post in the blog. I have even written a long, detailed personal account of how I have been feeling (which can be pretty much summed-up as 'neck deep in a quagmire'), only to discard it as being way-too-personal and better suited for a private journal than a public blog on cartomancy.

The text has some connection to my cartomantic practice, because it explains why. Why I have not been able to write, nor read, nor do anything productive here in the blog - or even in my life. While  I could blame it on my grandfather's situation, it would be unfair because this problem has always been here. In me.

Oracle Speak ~ June 19th - July 19th

I decided to have another go at doing an "Oracle Speak" for the coming Moon cycle! For those who don't know, the Oracle Speak is a monthly (used to be bi-weekly) forecast reading... a message from the cards to the people who read it. I won't say "to the whole world" because the idea is a bit preposterous to me. I believe those who need the message will find it, and this reading is for them.

I did the reading last night, during the New Moon, before I moved to some prayer/ritual/meditation regarding my Grandfather's health conditions.

The first card I noticed in this spread is Mardoc, king of Spades. The only Black card, and at the top of the spread, which is a meaningful position. But certainly, for a guy who calls himself "the heartless", he has a good bunch of Hearts following him. This spread reminds me a of a crème brûlée... hard caramel top, and delicious vanilla custard underneath.

I believe the coming cycle will start with an ending. Huh? Well, the 13♠ is not simply the last card in the Spades group, but he also closely related to death, to doors that close. In the first days, as the Moon grows brighter, we may still feel a certain bitterness, or melancholy, or just a general dissatisfaction towards our situation or something we have experienced. But these feelings will lose their strength, as we enter a phase of healing, symbolised by the following Heart cards.

In this spread there a strong feeling of 'starting a new cycle' - it may be related to today's solstice, as well. In the Northern Hemisphere it's the beginning of Summer, and here in the Southern Hemisphere, of Winter. A new Season begins in our lives.

The other card that jumped out in this layout is the 3♥, because it's the only upright card. For me, it tells that, though we may experience an improvement (specially emotional, helping to ease some physical problems), there will be some moments of instability, related to opposing desires.

From one side, we have the desire to connect to others, to share, to get in touch, and thus expose ourselves to the outer world. On the other side, the healing is not done yet, and we may feel compelled to stay inside our 'egg', waiting a bit longer. As comfortable as this alternative may seem, it may make our emotional river turn into a quagmire. The inner waters must not be held still for too long.

In a nutshell: In the coming cycle, feelings and experiences that have been dragging us down will start to lose their grip a bit, as we walk towards healing. It can become an intense month, emotionally-speaking,and there will be the need to balance the urge to expose oneself to others with the impulse to withdraw completely into safety. Sticking to any of the extremes is not good - true growth will come from learning how to work with both tendencies in the appropriate moments. You will have the opportunity to practice your emotional flexibility - Pilates for the spirit!

The Playing Card Oracles © Ana Cortez & C.J. Freeman

The art of not-knowing

The last week has been difficult for my family and I. My grandfather came to our city to investigate some serious symptoms he was having. He is 73, but he had never had a decent doctor's appointment. He is from a generation (and from a family) that believed that being sick was a sign of weakness, a reason to be ashamed. His mother died last February and she had always been proud of never needing a doctor. She died of pancreatic cancer, discovered in the last two weeks of her life.

Thank goodness my grandfather didn't wait so long. When he arrived he was on the brink of renal insufficiency due to an enlarged prostate, and very anaemic. Further kidney problems were avoided by immediate treatment and he will not need dialysis. But what is causing the anaemia is still a mystery, and yesterday we received tough news: he has prostate cancer.

My mother is a doctor (pathologist) and I have been absorbing a big part of her worry, sadness and stress. Sometimes I feel she is trying to master the art of envisioning  all possible worst-case scenarios. And she discusses such things with me, which makes me feel bad because there is nothing I can do. Nothing I say comforts her and whenever I try to be optimistic, she accuses me of being flippant and shallow. I feel crushed by a ton of rocks, completely powerless.

We need to know. We need to know our disease so we can cure it. We need to know our mistakes so we can avoid falling into the same traps. We need to know who our enemies are and who our friends are. Knowing is important, knowledge is power. But I have begun to think that, sometimes, excessive knowledge can distort our views of things. Because we are so sure that we know, we don't allow any new idea into our minds, any fresh breath of air into our lives. We don't let life surprise us. We refuse to believe in anything that challenges our views. It makes us mentally stubborn and pessimistic (or overly optimistic in some cases), and worse: it doesn't help.

Of course I am worried about my grandfather! When I first heard that he was sick, I thought about doing a reading. But I quickly ruled out the idea when I realised my heart would never collaborate - it would try to bend the message. So I decided I didn't want to know, and I still don't. I have decided to focus on doing instead - visiting him, giving him my love and support, exercising hope and trust. Help him to find peace of mind, to discover his own hope. 

I wish I could give that to my mother, and I wish she wouldn't take it so badly. I am not being frivolous, I just don't believe negative thoughts can help. We need to prepare for worst, but not make it the centre of our vision, lest we stop seeing the good that can still happen. I trust my grandfather's doctors enough to know they will be serious about their job... so I can be the one who will bring a smile to my grandpa's face when I see him. He already has enough reasons to frown.

I wish my mother would step away from grandfather's treatment as a doctor, and return as the daughter. She says it's impossible: "I am a doctor, how the hell am I going to pretend to 'not-know' when I do!?". I realise it's not easy. Once you have an open door to a certain knowledge, it feels impossible to close it. But I believe we must exercise shutting it sometimes, specially when said knowledge will plant negative things in our minds.

We act based on what we think, and that is how our thoughts shape our reality. We need to be careful about what kind of seeds we are sowing into the fertile earth of our minds.

PCO ~ Is he going to move the relationship forward?

A couple of weeks ago, I began to offer readings in exchange for detailed feedback. I already had some willing guinea pigs, and today I am sharing the reading I did for Beverly R. about her relationship with  Jerry. She gave me full permission to post the reading and feedback here. Her feedback is highlighted in green.

Question: I am curious about Jerry and if he's gonna move the relationship forward? If so, a time frame would be nice. If not, I'd like to know why. 

You asked whether the relationship is going to move forward or not. So I drew two Witches Runes to answer to this question, and what I got were the Crossroads and the Scythe. You can see their symbols right above the cards.

From one side, this combination that your connection to this person is deep, and may even be something 'karmic' - something ruled by spiritual forces.  Yes, the karmic connection has been mentioned before.

The Scythe shows there's a strong magnetism, and that it's the kind of relationship that is hard to get away from once you are involved, because something keeps pulling you into it.  Yes, very strong magnetism.

However, these two symbols also bring a warning - that you should expect a big change in your relationship with Jerry. It can be for better or for worse, though the Crossroads rune indicates that there might be some communication problems along the way, a difficulty in understand what the other really wants, which can lead to misunderstandings. If the difficulties pile up they may lead to a fight.  Yes, this week there have been some communication issues, and he's really stressed with work and his life in general.

So try to be as upfront as you can to Jerry, in order to not mislead or be misled. I'll keep this in mind!!!!

Then I asked the cards about a time frame for this change, as well as the circumstances. The time given by the cards was between late August and mid-September. He asked his boss for a transfer to the beach so perhaps this will happen then. 

The first thing I noticed in these cards is that they give a strong feeling of indecision. Yes, he's wishy washy, don't know what he wants but I'm working with him on this. Did a visualization technique with him today about a vacation. I think it's possible that Jerry tries to distance himself from you during this time, because he's unsure as what to do, how to proceed. He's uncertain about his own feelings and desires.  Yes, he's uncertain as he thinks he always screws up everything, so he's distancing himself now. The cards show he perhaps is the kind of person who is rather rational, so when emotions attack him he feels out of his depth and nervous.  Yes, he is rational. An intelligent mental man and emotions send him in circles.

I see some fear of commitment in the cards too. He may go through some emotional vacillation. YEAP!!! You hit the nail on the head. He told me back in March that he has commitment issues and isn't fond of change!!!

The cards are not promising a concrete development right now - it's possible that you two are still creating your future. But answering directly to your question, I believe Jerry won't be moving the relationship forward, at least not for the coming three months... probably out of insecurity and due to commitment issues. EXACTLY as I suspected.

Following His tracks in dreams...

I'm the wild bird that won't be tamed
The desire that you don't need to name
I'm the branch that becomes the flame
When the fire's done burning, I remain. 
-- Starhawk (The God Song)

I had a strange dream last weekend. A supernatural dream. I was living alone in a forest with my parents (who weren't my real life parents)... we lived in a hut, completely isolated from the rest of the world. Then one day, a man came and simply killed my parents with an axe. I knew this man lived close by, and I kept expecting him to return and finish his job. It seemed I didn't have much left to lose anyway. But he only returned during a full moon night, in which he unceremoniously broke down the door and marched into my ramshackle bedroom.

He seemed to be a lumberjack, but something about his face showed me he wasn't quite human. His hair was long and in disarray, his clothes were dirty and his eyes, wild. He was completely silent all the time.

I laid quietly on my bed, waiting for him to kill me. Instead he jumped on me and began to bite my neck (no, he wasn't a vampire). It seemed he wanted to turn me into a creature similar to him - he wanted me to be his consort. He had sex with me and then left. When I woke up next morning, I realised I had indeed become something like him... My eyes were wild. I was immortal, and like him I had the power to kill.

But he had given me another power too - the power to heal. At some point in my dream I met one my mother's friend, and she looked as if someone had tried to beat her to death. I sat by her and with my hands, I began to heal her wounds.

I didn't meet the man again... I could feel when he was near and sometimes I caught a glimpse of him, but he did not belong to me. Nor I to him.

PCO: Healing doesn't happen overnight

This reading was done for my friend C.L. She is a 50 years old woman, divorced, who recently broke up with a younger man she had been dating for almost an year. The young man is married, and despite the fact he said his marriage is not a happy one, he never left his wife, which was what made C.L decide to break their relationship.

First C.L focused on other problems, in order to not focus so much on the emotions that this separation arose. But now mourning is beginning to catch up with her, and she has asked the cards when she'll begin to feel better again. "I am 50 years old... I feel that nothing more will happen in my life right now. I don't feel sad, but I feel disappointed with life."

I did the Cat Spread for her, in order to be able to give a more or less precise 'timing'. Before the "cat card" there were 7 piles of 4 cards, so the date I got was between mid-November and the beginning of December. I always allow about two weeks of leeway because I believe the manifestation of the cards is not a single event, but a continuous development that needs to be observed over a period of time.

Below are the two readings I did for C.L.

The Present Spread:

Head (♦/Fire): 2♦

.

Throat (♣/Air): 2♣

.

Torso (♥/Water): J♣

.

Feet (♠/Earth): 5♣

 

The first thing I noticed about this spread if the J♣ in the "Heart" position. Although Lancelot is usually a good card, here he seem to represent the mind dominating the emotions. It's not simply the position he is in, but the fact we have three Clubs cards and no Hearts cards at all!

I think C.L has been using a rationality to 'emerge' from these complicated waters that surround her. She told me she has been dreaming a lot of water lately - perhaps her inner water, unable to manifest in her day life, are seeking release through her dreams.

The J♣ can also represent that younger man she was dating, showing that he's still in her heart.

The two Deuces speak to me of a certain duality within her. There's a desire to overcome this pain and 'stomp' on men all things related to them, which is represented by the 2♦. But there's also a subtle hope for a reconnection, for a companion (2♣). She no longer wishes nourish what she considers a useless expectation (that of finding love at this point of life), but at the same time, there's a part of her that yearns for that.

The 5♣ represents her feeling of being cheated by life somehow, of having had the 'rug pulled out from under her feet', so to speak.

The fact that we have three black cards and one red makes it clear that she's sad. Not desperate - I believe this would be better represented by Spades cards - but gloomy, even thought she appears tough and unaffected on the outside.

The silence of the winter huntress

Since the last full moon, something has changed inside me. A sudden halt in that nervous clockwork in my head. I can't quite explain. If you believe in the power of rituals, I can say that my full moon ritual (which wasn't by any means huge or complex) did help me to find some release from that pain and hopelessness I felt. I had an objective in mind when I did it, but fate writes straight with crooked lines, does it not?

I suspect my goals will reach me in the more unexpected ways. And this sudden absence of that acute suffering is one of them.

It is not to say that I am suddenly all chirpy and passionate about life. Not  yet. In fact, I found that Artemis' message to me turned out to be quite true. I have been living in a very physical level... I know that amongst the spiritual folk this isn't a very good thing. But that's how I am right now... I eat, I sleep, I exercise. I listen to music and feel it within my bones. I come to work and somehow my mind doesn't rebel against my rather shallow activity. I adorn my body for the coming day like the Indians, who paint themselves and wear feathers when doing rituals or hunting. It's a way to evoke something, a power I do not fully understand yet.

And I do all that for no one else but myself.

Somehow I feel like I have reached a strange level of mental and emotional simplicity. I feel close to the animals and their present-focused minds.

PCO: ...and that's why I did not go.

This reading was done on Monday, May 7th.

The situation was: in a couple days there will be an international conference about digital books in another city. This time my company will not pay for it (as they did last year), so I am considering using some of my economies to go. Because it's so close to deadline of the inscriptions, I'll probably pay more for the flying tickets, hotel and the inscription itself than if I had done it earlier... I always save money, but I'm far from wealthy and such a sudden expense is never good. However, if I want, I can do it.

Why did I wait so long? The company only confirmed me that they were not going to fund my trip to the conference last week, although I have been asking them about it for a month at least. Furthermore, they have decided ebooks are not giving us much money right now... we ought to keep doing them, but not make huge investments, and the conference is a bit expensive... so no, they don't think it's necessary for me to go.

But I make ebooks. It's one of my functions here. And it's also one of my trades. Something I could offer to other people, other companies. Yes, this conference interests me very much. However, I am aware of the mental and financial strain a sudden decision can cause me. So I wonder if it's a wise decision in the end...

I consulted the cards.

The question was: what do I need to know about suddenly going to the conference?

Head (♦/Fire): 5♣

.

Throat (♣/Air): 7♠

.

Torso (♥/Water): 3♦

.

Feet (♠/Earth): 8♦

The 7♠, Sword of Destruction, glares at me. But I try to not base my whole interpretation on one card. So I move to the Foot, where we have the 8♦. It's a good card for business. It tells me that, regarding my work, it might be an important experience, I'll learn the more about the product I work with (ebooks) and be with people who specialise in it. Through them I'll expand my views. With the 3♦ above it, signalling growth, it seems sure that going is the best option, professionally speaking.

Oracle of the Shapeshifters: the lesson sinks in

Last Saturday was full moon night... and what a beautiful moon we had. Though I no longer celebrate Full Moon Esbats formally, I like to do my own personal rituals in such nights. I find that observing the Lunar cycles helps me to regain focus and strength... things I have been needing more than ever.

I do not have a formal altar but I always keep a candle, incense and my Witches Runes on the top of my bookshelf.

I did a small ritual and, after that, I decided to pull a card. Strangely I did not feel drawn to any of my usual decks... instead I walked to my bedside table and retrieved the Oracle of the Shapeshifters from the drawer. I shuffled the deck and picked a very interesting card: Artemis of the Forest.

This card is all about independence and going 'back to basics' so to speak. Artemis asks me to become a huntress for a while... stay close to nature, focus on the most earthly needs like food, exercise and sleep and learn what it takes to survive. It's time to leave psychological and emotional complexities behind.

"This is a time for you to go within, into some kind of wilderness and wild place, whether this place is within you, or one that exists in the world. It is time for you to become self-reliant, quiet, stealthy, aware. You must take your place as a being who can survive, and who can support themselves. You may see this as a test or hardship, but it is a great moment of coming into your own power."

I think my cards have been giving me this message for a while now, but for the first time I really understood what it meant. And indeed, lately I have been feeling as if my body is the only thing I can rely on, because it's the only thing that hasn't changed completely about me. Pilates has been particularly helpful to me in reconnecting to my body and feeling more comfortable in my own skin. Looking back at my past reading, I realise that many of the cards were very Earthly, and they were telling me to focus on the most Earthly aspects of my life. Don't do anything meant 'don't take any emotional or mental decisions; focus on simple things, simple thoughts, simple desires'.

RWS Tarot: The Art of Waiting

May started badly, under the sign of self-doubt and hopelessness. Well, we are in the Samhain season here, so maybe this is why I can't relate to the bright vernal emotions that my Northern Hemisphere friends express in their Facebook pages. Instead I have been thinking a lot about death, about what it means to die, and I don't know if it's good.

Yesterday a sadness mixed with despair hit me all of a sudden. I started crying again... my mother got rather miffed at the fact I don't seem to forget fast enough, and left the room. I was alone, and also terribly lonely because I feel like I burden others whenever I express my sadness. I suppose I ought to exercise my quiet dignity with greater effort.

In my desperation, I wanted to find a way to get in touch with that person again. I was sure that if only we could see each other again, talk again, we'd be able to recreate what we had. My RWS Tarot was sitting beside me so I pulled it from its bag and asked what was the best way to proceed if I wished an opportunity to reunite with him. My answer was the Page of Pentacles.

Earth is a slow a element - it's the one that takes the longest to change, and also the one in which changes are more profound. You cannot recover the parts of the mountain that were eroded...only tectonic movements can make the mountain become higher again, but that is also a slow process. And though erosion and continental drift take thousands of years to make themselves noticed, their effects are absolute on the landscape.

Basically the message of the Page was the message I always get: don't do anything. Don't move, don't force life, let things unfold in their own speed. Give time some time. Take care of your practical affairs and of your body. *sigh* I am so tired of getting this message, to be honest, even if it makes sense. For someone action-oriented like me, this is sheer torture.

So, here I am. Not happier nor any wiser, and trying to master the art of waiting. The truth is that I only feel some hope when I am doing something.... for me waiting feels like giving up, feels like dying. But apparently, it's what I must do.

Yesterday I prayed, even though I am not sure if there's anyone out there listening. I was seeking some reassurance. I desperately want to believe that there's a higher purpose behind all this...

“Paradise was from the first intended to be swallowed by the darkness.” ~ Anaïs Nin (in 'Stella')

Rider Waite Smith Tarot: Centennial Edition © US Games Systems, Inc.

Oracle Speak ~ April 29th - May 13th

A while ago, Ana Cortez suggested that we tried to do our own Oracle Speak readings as an exercise. Oracle Speak is quick biweekly forecast Ana does for a local radio station at Santa Fe, NM. 

So, she told us to do a reading for the coming two weeks, before listening to her own forecast, as to not be influenced. Ana suggested that we focused on getting a message to the world, instead of focusing on our personal lives. This way the reading can be relevant to others too.

I seldom do general forecasts for many people - I am better with personal readings. But I think the challenge is important for my growth as a reader. Also, in this exercise I tried to follow my first impressions, because I need to learn to trust them more. I often question my own interpretations until I am completely lost!

So the first thing that called my attention in this layout was the presence of the deuces on the top of the spread. And both cards deal with rivalry of some sort - one is the  2♠ (The Enemies) and the other is the 2♦ (The Rivals). My first impression is that May will begin with an atmosphere of conflict and opposition.

The Ace of Diamonds is right below the two deuces, so for me it's deeply connected to them. The causes of the conflicts may be an excessively individualistic approach to thing - "my way or no way" sort of thing. However, fire is also a transforming energy - these times of opposition, if well-handled, can be a catalyst for important changes.

We can transform a heavy enmity into a lighter, more positive rivalry that inspired growth instead of destroying. If we let the negative side prevail., it'll be like throwing dirt onto the fire of transformation. We will smother it.

I don't see a very relevant meaning for the 6♣... for me it suggests that all this will be a very temporary situation, one that will open the path to further grow. The conflicts that happen within the coming two weeks will not be long-lasting (unless the people involved handle them very badly). If anyone has more insight on this card, I appreciate.

There's also a lack of Hearts in this particular spread, which suggests that this will be a time of low sympathy; people will not be very open emotionally. A hard time of transformation, like fire burning the earth to renew it. The sentence that popped into my mind was 'don't be a softy'.

In a nutshell: I believe opposition will be very present in the coming weeks, in different forms and intensity. There may be a tendency in people to face this in a rather egoistic way, which may contribute to the conflict. It's important to compromise, so that the differences can generate growth instead of becoming an abyss. This is a wonderful opportunity to transform any situation by analysing what isn't working and finding alternatives in other people's ideas. Using well this time can boost people's progress in whatever area of their lives they are experiencing stagnation or obstruction.

I don't know if I did this right but... ta-da, here it is! My first Oracle Speak!

If anyone sees this spread differently, or has any additional insight on the cards... please, do share!


The Playing Card Oracles © Ana Cortez & C.J. Freeman

Sol: The All-Seeing King

Of all the kings in the Playing Card Oracles, Sol, the King of Clubs, is the one that shows up more often in my readings. I think it's because I have many Aquarian/Air men in my life... including my father, my boss, my stepbrother and others.

I was reading Anaïs Nin's "Under a Glass Bell" one of these days. It's a wonderful book of short stories... I recommend reading it if you like a flowery prose with lots of subjectivity and surrealism. Some people find her writing superfluous and convoluted, but I love her. Anaïs speaks to my spirit - and to my heart - in a way few authors have ever done.

Sol himself would probably dislike her dreamy style.

There's a story called The All-Seeing, which is about a man who could really be the King of Clubs. I can't help but think that Anaïs found inspiration in a typical Air man for this story, because the way she describes him reminds me of the Air men in my life. I am sharing some quotes below, along with some comments of mine, as a part of my own study of this card.

"Seeking this that he had lost without knowing it, he became restless and a rover, a prober, he became the archaeologist of his own soul, he searched and wandered [...] He was possessed with restlessness, timelessness, forgetfulness. He lived in a labyrinth and a haze." (The All-Seeing)

Sol is a man who seeks and researches everything, including his own soul. But, for me, he seems fearful of emotions (and all that reason cannot fully control and comprehend), hence why he focuses so much on the rational side. He is an archaeologist of the soul, but his conclusion are always somehow incomplete. The poetry, the dreams, the unconscious, the marvellous... all these things are missing from his left-brained approach. He analyses them, dissects them, question them until they crumble under the weight of his scrutiny. Mystery cannot survive this aggressive investigation.

"No sooner had the marvellous befallen him than he grasped it with his peasant hands with the violence of a man who was not certain of having seen it, lived it, and who wanted to reassure himself of its palpability. Everything which befell him would be ripped apart, analysed, commented." (The All-Seeing)

In this quote we see Sol's tendency to rationalise when something marvellous (or magical, or irrational) falls in his hands. He finds it hard to simply enjoy the moment... no, he must put it under a microscope, put it in perspective, put it in words. Measure, weight, compare. In doing this he gains knowledge, but sometimes he destroys the flame, the impulse, the spontaneity, the poetry. He can be the air the feeds the flame, but sometimes he ends up being the cold wind that extinguishes it.

"You float too easily, you are too easily cut off. [...] But at some time or other you will have to accept having a body, a reality, being in bondage. You will have to enter the prison of human life and accept the suffering." (The All-Seeing)

On hopelessness

I'd like to apologise for the depressing tone of some of my recent posts. I know it must be boring for others to read about someone else's journey in the dark... sadness and grief are solitary experiences, regardless of the amount of people you share your feelings with.

Because cartomancy is such an important aspect of my personal journey, I always try to see my experiences from the perspective of a reader. I believe that oracles like the Tarot and the Playing Cards are a symbolic synthesis of our lives... in learning from life, we learn about them. Cards gain new colours, new depths as our life is enriched by experiences, even when they are bad ones.

But knowing this doesn't make it any easier for me. I don't feel relieved or hopeful because I know this. Knowing things rationally helps you to maintain a drama-free perspective of the facts but it does not cure you.

The Four Queens wrote a very interesting post about how a person can get caught in asking Tarot the same question over and over again. I think we all agree that this is a damaging behaviour. Usually brings no clarity or insight, keeps the painful subject alive and strong inside one's heart. Keeps one attached to the grief. Leads to stagnation. Looking back is important, but eventually one must look forward too.

Weekly Reading: The Lady and her window

Yesterday before bed I did something I haven't done in a long time: I did a weekly draw. It was more an exercise than an attempt to know what awaits for me, but it still made an interesting reading because my significator card came up: Allegra, the Lady of Hearts (10♥).

I chose Allegra as my card when I began studying the Playing Card Oracles... when I first read about her, I thought that her personality is very similar to my own: moody, sensitive, passionate, vulnerable, a bit irrational and prone to indulge in fantasies. Above all, someone whose heart is her compass... not always a clever guide, but an honest one. I did not choose my card based on the sun sign and element (as I usually do for others), because although my sun sign is Sagittarius, fire, I do not identify so much with Tendra, the Lady of Diamonds (10♦). 

Allegra, on the other hand, could be my portrait at times.

In this weekly draw, the (10♥) came with the 8♣, The Scales, which is for me one of the most problematic cards of the pack. Not because it's bad, but because I have always had a hard time understanding it. And yet, it shows up quite often in my own readings. When looking at the two cards together, my first  impression was that I was seeing a girl staring out of the window...

What is she seeing? What is she thinking as she looks out of the window? I cannot say for sure... this combo could represent someone who reaches some clarity, some peace of mind, some distance from the troubled waters. Because the 8♣ is upside-down, it seems Allegra is looking at the scales, not outside. So maybe she's making a decision, weighting the options.

But how can she weight anything, if the scales are upside down?

Perhaps she has stopped weighting, pondering, wondering. There's nothing left on the plate of her scales. She needs to get all this (now useless) equipment out of the way, stop trying to make decisions in haste and truly enjoy the view. Watch the sun set in the western window. Watch the clouds reflect the final rays of the sun as the day ends. Watch the stars appear in the clear autumn sky as the night sets in.

I wonder if this week  will be more peaceful for me... mentally and emotionally speaking. I could use some good nights of sleep for a change, away from the chaos of unsolvable mental riddles. To think about those who are not here... to follow them from a distance, to summon memories of them... is to invite chaos into your mind. These two cards tell me to refrain from doing this. Exercise a bit of no-mindedness when it comes to certain subjects. Gently push certain thoughts away when they come.

There will be time to deal with them.

I don't know... the elusive 8♣ remains a bit of mystery to me. I still have a lot to learn about it. Maybe the coming week will give me more opportunities to understand it. For now... the quote below seems to sum up the message this weekly reading had for me.

Nobutada: Please forgive... too many mind.
Nathan Algren: Too many mind?
Nobutada: Yes. Mind the sword, mind the people watch, mind the enemy, too many mind… [pause] No mind.
-- The Last Samurai, 2003

 The Playing Card Oracles © Ana Cortez &C.J. Freeman

Tendra: more fire than blood!

Fire contains a dynamic spirit that is ever hungry. It consumes. The more it is given, the more it needs. This is the aspect of Fire that illuminates so well the personality of Tendra. (p.79)

Certain cards are complicated. Complicated, because they are... hum... less-than-positive, and we can't help but wincing whenever they show up in a reading. We say that "every card has a light and shadow", but  it seems that some cards have more light while others have more shadow. They seem to be rather negative even at their best.

In the Playing Card Oracles, Tendra (the 10♦) is one of these cards. Her image is that of a young woman kissing the severed head of a man. She represents the hungry part of the fire, the side that consumes utterly. Tendra is seductive, drawing people to her like moths to flame. But once they get close, she burns. She clings, she clutches, she won't let go.

Some of her keywords include needy, demanding, spoilt, wilful, possessive, obsessive, clutching.  Her most positive characteristics are her tenacity and the fact she usually represents people with financial advantage... which hardly ever compensate the list of negative traits her very image brings to our mind when we see her in a spread.

Tendra has been showing up in almost every reading I have done for myself lately. It's interesting; in the past 5 years reading with the Playing Card Oracle I seldom saw her! For such a fiery young lady, she was certainly quiet. I even forgot about her.

BANG! Everything changes and suddenly a different folk starts to visit your spreads. And now Tendra is demanding all the attention I have denied her. She is stomping her foot, looking me in the eye and saying "decipher me or I shall devour you".

I have no doubt she will.

Deck Review: Enchanted Oracle by Jessica Galbreth & Barbara Moore

I've been wanting to review this deck for a while because I never expected to like it so much. As I said in previous posts, I am not a big fan of fairy decks in general, and honestly the art of the Enchanted Oracle did not attract me so much at first. I bought this deck on impulse, during a moment of shock.

Let me begin by saying why I like this deck better than all other fairy oracles I came across: because it is not mythically self-indulgent. Allow me to explain. When using other fairy decks, I have often felt as if the author was trying to shove her beliefs down my throat. I don't like being converted. And I like even less to see the author constantly rave and rant about creatures I have never seen (because the deck won't work if you don't have a good relationship with the fairies and nature). It exasperates me because it gets in the way when I am trying to use the deck.

But thank goodness... the Enchanted Oracle is different. Barbara Moore talks about the fairies, of course, but never in a way that implies they are real things that you must worship in order to use the deck. In fact, I like the rather archetypal way she describes the characters in the cards. There are no endless pages describing how the author first got in touch with the fairyland, and how the fairies like to be 'treated' so they'll collaborate with your readings. A breath of fresh air.

The book begins with a small introduction to the Enchanted Oracle and a chapter teaching how to use it, in which the author gives two small (and useful) all-purpose spreads. After that we reach the part dedicated to the card themselves - each card gets about 5 or 6 pages of description, which include:

-- a B&W picture
-- a small introduction to the fairy in the cards and what she represents
-- a paragraph containing the oracle message

-- a spell or exercise that is meant to help you to put the card's message into practice.

Some cards have more than one spell, and other cards have a journaling or visualisation exercise instead. I usually don't care about such things, but I found that some of the rituals have helped me to regain my focus in my darkest times.

The cards are very pretty and colourful... although Jessica Galbreth's art wasn't really my style, after a while I fell in love with the jewel tones of her paintings. The art is very girly, and there are very few men in the cards (only 4 out of 36 cards!), which can be unappealing to those who prefer more balanced decks. Although some cards mention pagan elements like Samhain, Yule, Cernunnos and others, this deck doesn't belong to any specific faith.

The cards have a good size for small hands (7 x 11.5 cm ~ 2.75 x 4.52 in), and the card-stock is a bit on flimsy site. Still, I have been using this deck daily for about two months and so far I had no problems with the cards getting bent or damaged. The back of the cards is black, and I found it get marked very easily - my own deck already has many light scratches from handling and shuffling. The lamination is a bit thin, but non-sticky and doesn't have an unpleasant odour.

The Flower Speaks says... purify these inner waters!

I was so proud of myself: I thought I was recovering from my infections without taking antibiotics! That meant my body was becoming strong enough to fight the bacteria again. Mistake. They have now migrated to my ear and I have otitis media.

Sigh!

Okay, maybe my body isn't that strong yet. It seems I'll have no choice but take some antibiotics this weekend, lest the infection decides to travel elsewhere in my body.

I know my immunity system is weak, and the fact I had insomnia most of this week didn't help me to heal much. However, I don't know anymore what I am doing (or what I am not doing) that is making me so debilitated.

I decided to ask for some advice from the cards. I know, I know they are not doctors, but I don't think I have something so serious that needs the help of a physician for now. In fact, I believe that my health problems have strong emotional/mental roots.

The card Pistil & Stamen (Creativity) tells me where the problem is. Emotionally, it relates to creativity, exchange, intimacy and even the more psychological side of sexuality. As physical ailments it can indicate hormonal and sexual imbalance, as well as fatigue. The Water Lily (Receptivity) corresponds to the High Priestess. It is connected to female energy, stillness, receptivity and reflection.

These two cards together tell me that I have probably been holding back things that should be expressed, and they are making me ill. As Anaïs Nin said, "creation which cannot express itself becomes madness". It is probably true.

The 13 Witches Runes ~ Part IV (Final!)

Finally, here's the last part of my 13 Witches Runes posts! We only have one rune to cover - the Eye rune - which is a pretty complex symbol in itself, so it has a longer explanation. And then some extra information on Astrology and the runes!

Again, I cannot stress enough that the best resource on these runes is Susan Sheppard's book A Witch's Runes. If you liked my posts, I recommend that you buy it to enhance your practice, it's really a great book!

~*~

Eye

The eye has always been a powerful symbol for different cultures. Some believe that the soul resides in them, while others think it's possible to curse a person merely by looking at them. Through our eyes we connect and express emotions and thoughts. Thus, this is one of the most powerful runes in the set, emphasising the importance of any rune close to it.

The Eye symbol is also related to "vision" is all senses, including the physical. This rune can represent our eyes and optic nerves. It can also represent activities such as research, analysis, photography and creative visualisation. When it appears, there's an urge to observe, to explore, to understand deeply what is before you.

This rune is usually related to sudden realisations. Not necessarily a 'shock' (unless some violent rune is close it, like the Scythe and the Man), but more related to the lifting of veils. Your eyes are suddenly open, and you see things that were unknown to you before. A change of perception and focus in life is to be expected when this rune appears... whatever the situation is, the way you see it will be transformed.

On a spiritual level, this rune can represent a development of one's psychic skills, or an advancement in one's spiritual path. As you connect yourself to a deeper source, and learn to trust, you gain wisdom and your eyes see far. A higher power seems to be guiding you in times when the Eye appears.

Like the Sun rune, this rune can mean that right now all eyes are on you. But unlike the former symbol, when the Eye appears there's some discomfort related to such attention. It may be excessive and even unwelcome. In fact, this is one of this rune's most negative facets: it may show an invasion of privacy, when someone (or even you) pry into another's life and scrutinise their every move. Beware of flatterers and stalkers. The Eye cautions against obsession and the tendency to spy on other people's affairs.

In a relationship reading, the Eye can symbolise a predestined bond to another person. Note that this does not promise a happy ending, but simply says that this connection is powerful and will be very important in your life. In fact, because the Eye rune is a solitary one, it is possible that the people in the relationship cannot be together due to difficult circumstances. Still, your bond that person will transform you. In a negative way, this rune can cautions against invading your partner's personal space or stalking them.

It was Autumn, the springtime of death...

I am sick, and not for the first time this month. In March alone I have had viral tonsillitis, viral gastroenteritis and now I am having a bacterial upper respiratory tract infection... It's a known truth that if your mind is sad and your heart is heavy, the body quickly follows them downhill.

Yesterday and early today I felt the tendrils of despair tighten around me again. I don't want to remember. But memories are everywhere, in every little thing. The Autumn breeze, a subtle whiff of perfume, the way light plays with the leaves of a tree... flashbacks of a paradise. I cried, not simply for the loss of a beloved person, but for the loss of a dream with that person.

So I arrived at work, sick and depressed, dropped my stuff on my desk and headed straight to the ladies' bathroom.  The only place here where I can afford some privacy, some silence. I took my Enchanted Oracle with me... I had no question, I just wanted a distraction. Something to quell the flux of images before my eyes. 

PCO: Let go of this dead man!

The weather has changed. We went from a 35ºC (95ºF) summer to a 10ºC (50ºF) almost-winter temperature. Autumn used to milder. But the cold only bothers me because it brings flashbacks of happier times... now gone.

Perhaps I ought to change the name of my blog to "Forlorn Cartomancy" due to the cheerless tone of my most recent posts. *sigh* Bear with me... Although I no longer feel the desperation I felt in the beginning of February, I think I haven't improved much in terms of true healing. I am still mourning, and try as I might, I feel like I am unable to move on.

Mentally I understand what I am going through, but my emotional side is having a hard time catching up with my mind. I really thought I'd be much better by now, but much to my dismay, not only I have not recovered but I seem to have sunk into a state of deep melancholy and hopelessness. People tell me that all will be well... I can see a perfect logic behind their optimistic reasoning. I just can't bring myself to believe in them.

My cards have been my companion in this journey. I try to find some wisdom and comfort in them, but as I said in a previous post, very often the messages are repetitive. All tell me to wait and endure. Don't do anything. Don't force anything.

During the last month, I found some distractions. I got busy helping my mother with the renovations in her bedroom and I began a routine of going out for lunch with my two bests friends, and their company helped me to feel better. But now these distractions have lost their effect because, until a couple of days ago, I was still looking for a solution. I was still hoping that something could be done. And now the realisation that there's nothing left, that this door is closed permanently, is finally sinking in.

Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel...

Desperation is a draining feeling. Eventually even your heart and soul get tired of staring at their own cracks, and they start craving for a certain numbness. A fauxpeace that allows you to go on with your life even though, if you stop and think carefully, you don't really know why you are doing it in the first place.

This is a dangerous Neptunian moment. At the bottom of the Wheel of Fortune, as it ever so slowly prepares to go round again, we are pretty much treading in the lands of the Moon. Here be dragons. This is a kingdom of illusion, delusion, madness. Walking here we get lost in fantasies of revenge and of cure. We touch the highest inspiration with the tip of our fingers, but with a mere thought we are plunged deep into despair. We crave for a miracle with the same intensity we crave to forget everything.

In moment like this, people may look for help in drugs, alcohol, food, fantasies, isolation - ways of getting numb. Hence the danger: in the journey through the Moon lands, the darkest part of the Wheel, you must not drink the fairy wine nor taste the fairy food, lest you stay in the night forever. You must trust something you cannot see, hold on to an invisible lifeline, find power and strength and reason where there's none. And that's where the learning begins - only in the dark we find our deepest power and most primitive survival instincts. Only from the ashes we can be reborn.

No comfort from the cards: a moment to vent

Sometimes I seek comfort in my cards. I do small readings, pull a card or just shuffle a deck I love, looking for a small measure of peace, for a glimmer of hope.

Sometimes... it doesn't work. Shit!

At times, despite my best intentions of being a good student of life, I feel frustrated at the apparent lack of purpose in everything. My cards keep telling to cultivate serenity, to be calm, to stay hopeful, to seek healing and acceptance because every little thing is gonna be alright.

Oh really? Even if it's true, the point is that right now every little thing is being lousy. And my cards are basically telling me to wait for things to get better while nourishing my inner Buddha.

How about that good ol' advice of "not living in the future"? About the present being "the only time you can do anything"? Oh no... the secret is to wait, stay calm and trust the future. Wonderful advice, very comforting knowing that someday, if I am still alive, if I am lucky and if I become spiritually enlightened enough, things may improve. That gives me a lot to work with right now.

I know I'll regret this post someday, but I want to vent. I am angry, I am sad and it seems nothing can be done about it except waiting for Godot.

If anything, this situation is cementing my hopelessness.
I really hope I never fall in love again.

Love seems to be an unfair contract that we sign blindfolded by elusive promises. The happiness it brings is intense but fleeting, and it always ends in searing pain -- at least for one of the people involved.

Maybe this is not the lesson the "universe" wanted me to learn, but either I am a bad student or the "universe" is a bad teacher. I don't see how anyone feeling what I am feeling right now could come to a different conclusion.

I suppose a broken heart is like a broken porcelain vase. Though you may glue the pieces back together, the cracks will always show. It'll always be a damaged vessel.

Oh yes, I wish I could deliver a speech full of peaceful wisdom and acceptance, but I have not a jot of peace nor wisdom in my heart right now. As for acceptance, it's reluctant at best because I have no choice. In any case, corny harangues only work for those who are at the top of Fortune's wheel.

Sigh.

But you know, I realise it's not the cards. It's me. Nothing can comfort me right now.

Enchanted Oracle copyright © Llewellyn Worldwide & Jessica Galbreth

A reading for Cat - Part II

That is the second and final part of the reading I have done to Cat, who blogs over at Cat's Journal!
Her feedback is in red and indented.

~*~

Cat's second question was "which is the best way to communicate my plans to my boss?"

Head (♦/Fire): 3♦

.

Throat (♣/Air): 11♠

.

Torso (♥/Water): 2♣

.

Feet (♠/Earth): 3♥

I had to smile when I saw the 3♦ again! Your mind and spirit are quite active right now, and this is a great card to have your reading. All is potential - from here you can grow so much!

And that also sounds very promising to me!

Pampero and The Necklace give us a rather direct answer: the best way to communicate your plans to your boss is... telling him. Just like that.

I had to grin at this because it's so simple and so true.

You see, the Jack of Spades isn't really a guy of seductive words and diplomatic ways. He's a good person, loyal and reliable, but sometimes a bit rough in the way he does things.

Well, that does sound a lot like me. It also sounds like my boss. (Now that I think about it, we really ARE similar in this aspect.) So, yeah, he'd expect me to just tell him something like this, just as he would just tell me.

You'll have to be quite direct. Your boss may at first refuse to take it seriously, then complain or brood about it... but you should still remain objective and honest. Make yourself predictable, tell him how you'll do things form now on and when you plan on leaving. Give him time to prepare and adjust to the news. Show him that you have prepared in advance, and that you will do your best to make sure they can continue your work without big problems.

This is very good advice. He will definitely not like the idea of losing me and may not react positively at first, but he'll also appreciate my honesty. It's true, I'll need to be able to competently answer his questions about when I want to leave and what happens until then. While I won't enjoy seeing him in a bad mood, it won't be difficult for me to show him I've taken care to pass on my knowledge to others so that the company doesn't suffer too badly. After all, it's not my intention to burn any bridges if it can be avoided.

The 3♥ in the Feet position shows that your decision will cause some disturbance and ambivalence in your workplace - perhaps with your boss and/or some co-workers. But it'll pass... try to keep your heart calm and stay a bit detached. Don't get into emotional confrontations. This is a very temporary disturbance.

And even more great advice! I think you're right, there will likely be some hard feelings from some people, for a while. Yes, I need to stay out of the whole emotional mess of that - which might actually turn out to be the biggest challenge for me here! But forewarned is forearmed, so I hope I'll be able to follow your advice here and stay as detached as necessary. However, it's good to hear that this will be only temporary.

Thank you very much for reading for me. The first reading confirmed a lot of what I already had suspected, so that's good. The second reading offered very useful advice and some well-placed pointers about what I can expect as a result of sharing my plan with my boss. That also enables me to better time WHEN I'm going to tell him.

A reading for Cat - Part I

Cat and I decided to exchange reading a while ago, as a way to break our habit of only reading for ourselves. She is the author of the blog Cat's Journal and a fellow member of the Aeclectic Tarot Forum. A while ago, Cat shared the reading she did for me in her blog, so now I am posting here (in separate posts) the two readings I have done for her, as well as the feedback (in red and indented). Of course, I have her permission to do so!

Thank you very much, Cat, for this opportunity! :-)

~*~

Cat is planning some changes in her professional life, and she plans to take some time off in order to reorganise her affairs. Her first question was "how do I best prepare for my 'sabbatical time' within the next four weeks?"

Head (♦/Fire): 3♦

.

Throat (♣/Air): 11♥

.

Torso (♥/Water): 12♥

.

Feet (♠/Earth): 13♣

Wow! First of all, that's quite a crowded reading! We have a Jack, a Queen and a King! I wonder if this can represent the many "voices" inside you giving you ideas, or the actual interference from others.

Probably a bit of both. :)
I also have another association to the feeling of "crowdedness" that you described. You see, I spent a lot of my current holiday so far with cleaning, de-cluttering and re-arranging my living space - and as a side effect my mental/emotional space seems to have been cleaned, de-cluttered and re-arranged likewise. I believe that was badly needed and long overdue, on both the physical and the mental/emotional level, so I'm not feeling like I wasted my precious holiday doing so many household tasks. :)

The 3♦ (The Necklace)  is a very good card to have at the top of the reading. It shows that you have ideas bubbling inside you, and that to prepare to your sabbatical time you must start giving them form. Not simply imagining what you may do, but consciously choosing the steps that will take you where you want to go.

The last half sentence resonates most with me, because that's the part I've been neglecting a bit so far. But you are of course right: after having the ideas there needs to be the next step of choosing the next step to realize them. After having made some space within and around me, it finally seems realistic to do just that.

The 11♥, La Hire, is the Jack of Hearts, and he's a guy that is quite unpredictable. I get the feeling that you'll have to protect yourself a bit from some people, who will try to convince you that what you are doing is wrong or dangerous. La Hire tells you to be careful with what you share, and with whom you share it with.

I'll keep that in mind. So far, however, I've been surprised by the complete lack of criticism/warnings I encountered when I told people of my plan to do an unpaid sabbatical. Even my mother, who I thought would at least be skeptical, is fully supportive! But then I haven't yet told this plan to people who will probably disapprove (especially people at work), because it's too early for me to do that. It might become an issue later on, however.

The Queen of Hearts, Déja (12♥), is well accompanied by the King of Clubs, Sol (13♣) in this reading. She is the one who trusts her inner voice and hunches - he's the guy who lives inside books and rational theories, believing only in what can be proved and in what makes sense.

Yes, that pretty much describes the two inner voices I hear. The decision as such is pretty much based on a strong hunch that it would be a good idea, but the actual doing also requires some research and rational thinking in preparation. After all, I will eventually be required to explain this is a way that doesn't make me sound like a complete nutcase! I think this is where the two are a good team.

In order to prepare for this change in your life, you'll have to have both the Queen and the King in you. Emotionally, you need to trust yourself, trust your choice, trust that while the path may be unclear you are doing what you want to do.

Yes. I'm glad that my feeling "this is the right thing to do" is so strong that I'm not seriously arguing with it. Even when I'm still a bit unsure where exactly this sabbatical will take me - but then again, that's the point of going on an adventure like that: not knowing exactly how it will change you, right?

In a more practical sense, the 13♣ reinforces the message of the 3♦... plan carefully, take no shortcuts, try to create a "modus operandi" of how you'll implement the necessary changes in your life. Check if you have with you all that you need for your journey before you go out into the woods!

True. There is still some research I need to do (e.g. find out about health insurance matters) and some decisions to make about time frames and such. I also believe it would be good for me to give myself a kind of "mission statement" for the sabbatical, so I don't forget why I'm doing this and so I have a way to check in with myself periodically and see if it's working or if something needs to be changed.

To sum up: in the next four weeks, you need to carefully organise your ideas so they may become action in the future, and not just dreams. Set small but objective goals for yourself. Also, you need to protect yourself against those who don't - and maybe even won't - understand why you are doing this. Don't let too many people interfere, at least not in these initial moments while you are still preparing yourself.

Good advice, all around! While I shared the idea with some friends, I'm trying not to tell too many people about my plan, especially as long as it's still in development. I'm also not planning on letting others deter me from that idea and its realization because I just know it's the right thing for me to do.

Trust your vision - you have both the emotional and mental conditions to do this.

Now that sounds very promising indeed! Thanks for confirming my own feelings about this.

The 13 Witches Runes ~ Part III

Here is the third part of the 13 Witches Runes study. Today we will see more 4 runes: Crossroads, Star, Waves and Scythe. The next post will be the last one, and will include the explanation about the 13th rune - the Eye - along with some extra information.

If you are enjoying my posts, please consider buying Susan Sheppard's book A Witch's Runes. It's the most complete guide to the 13 Witches Runes that I know. What I give here is just a small preview!

~*~

Crossroads

With this rune, we begin a series of more "challenging" symbols. The Crossroads most basic meaning is opposition, be it explicit or subtle. Something or someone is working against your plans and opposing your desires. It shows that your efforts and ideas are giving no results, because something is "freezing" them, in a sense. Hence, this rune is also related to stagnation.

Very often this rune brings frustration for the person who draws it, because it is as if they were constantly walking into walls. One may feel inclined to change their goals or to stop seeking something all together, but the Crossroads do not tell you to give up. They tell you to change your strategy, because the path you are at right now is blocked. And there are many ways to reach the same place. Be careful to not put yourself in a victim position.

When the Crossroads appear it means that you'll need a lot of willpower to get what you want. Often you'll have to try again and again before getting any results, and everything will appear to evolve quite slowly. You may be confronted with periods of loneliness, isolation and with lack of support. This is a true test to your inner strength and resilience.

My blessing

Despite my situation of utter heartbreak, as well as the shock, the loss and the grieving that come with... I still consider myself a very blessed person. Because I have wonderful people around me, both in real life and online, who give me strength, love and support. And I am lucky for being able to share with them both the good and the challenging times.

I am also grateful for the opportunities I have of being here for these wonderful people when they need me! I learn and grow through their experiences too, and because of them I am a better person.

Thank you, dear friends, wherever you are or whatever is your path. I love you all!

You don't need to send me your blessings - you are my blessing.

After the sledgehammer

Beware when you use the sledgehammer.

I should have warned you of that in the last post. But I didn't know for sure what comes after destruction. Now I do. Lessons are sharp knifes, they leave scars.

Beware, because other people also have their own sledgehammers... and they may be getting ready to deliver a horrible blow. Not because they are evil, nor because they want you to be miserable. But because they have their own Towers to bring down.

That's what happened to me. I tentatively  knocked one brick out of place and all came crumbling down right on my head. The other side had used their own sledgehammer, quite unexpectedly. We don't build our Towers alone, so I suppose we don't get to destroy them alone either. If we are not the force hitting the bricks, we are the secret acid corroding the steel frame.

I have spent the last three days in utter despair, crying all the time, barely eating, looking around me and wondering if I'll ever feel like myself again. Today I could cry no more. No tears would fall, no sob would rise to my throat. My words sound calm because my mind and body are exhausted from the chaos... in my core, I am still an open wound.

But I am not ready to leave the wreckage just yet. I have things to find here - pieces of me. If I go now, if I deny this, all my suffering will have been in vain. I am still missing amongst the debris, and I must find what is left of me. What is true.

Keep this in mind when you decide to use that sledgehammer: there's a huge pain that follows the blow. A lot of negative thoughts and self-blame, in a torrent of lost dreams. A lot debris. So think carefully.

That said, remember: we can all survive this. We will lay down and cry for three days straight, but on the fourth day we will get up again and walk. Even if it's painful. Even if it's meaningless. We will walk. And we will heal.

And someday the greenery will cover the collapse zone once more.

Doll in the debris photo © APF/getty image.

Boy, fetch me a sledgehammer...

Like many people living in a rather Hanged Man moment...a moment in which nothing seems to happens and yet, inside you, you cannot find peace... I have been longing for a Tower. For a lightening, for a storm, for a sign that the world is moving.

I have always thought that the Tower was something that happens to the person. It falls on our heads, out of the blue, and before we can make sense of what is going on, we see the bricks and the fire all around us. And then we realise something has gone wrong.

Something has gone terribly wrong.

Thus, even if we had it coming, the Tower is still unexpected. It is something that hits us, that throws us to the ground, something we have no control over, whatsoever. With the Tower we are always the victim of something bigger than us - even if our own choices lead to such catastrophe.

But... all the books that describe the Tower just as that... I am sorry, but these books are lying by omission. Because this Tower... it's kind of easy even when it's hard. It leaves us no choice, it's a bomb dropped on our heads, and we have no other option but to accept it and pick up the pieces of what we used to be.

How about the Tower that we have to trigger? 

Nobody talks about that one. Nobody wants to think that they may have to be the perpetrator of destruction. Because it involves making a choice. Because many times it involves being hated and misunderstood for this choice. Because it involves committing ourselves to a dreadful task.

I know everyone likes to claim that they always prefer to have a choice no matter what... so do I... but after a long time in battle, when we are drained and tired of having to choose, and no option is better than the other (each will bring its pains and its rewards)... we wish the choice could be taken from our hands.

But it won't be. There's no Eye of God, no holy lightening to punish us. All comes from within. We slowly realise that we must grab that heavy sledgehammer and knock the bricks out, one by one. There's no God, there's no destiny, there's only us and this painful and exhaustive work of destroying something we built, something we hoped that would last forever. Something we put part of our souls into.

Even if we know it's for the best. Even if we are sure there's no other way. Even if it was an elephant in the living room of our souls - we will remember it. And we will feel that pang of guilt when we recall whose was the hand that brought it all down.

But if it must happen... fetch me a sledgehammer, and I shall bring about that Tower.

Rider Waite Smith Tarot: Centennial Edition © US Games Systems, Inc.

The Grail Tarot says... innocence never returns.

Brother of Vessels (Page of Cups)

In this card, we see a Grail Master giving the blessing to a new Brother, who about to got forth in his own Grail journey. The Brother looks up to the Master; the Master smiles, and remembers his own time as a Brother, taking his first steps into the mysteries.

I feel that I am both the Master and the Brother right now. As a Master, I have learnt a great deal about emotions over these last challenging months. As a Brother, I still have a long journey ahead of me, and need to trust my path. As John Mathews wrote "we need to accept the lot we have been given and follow the path before us without question.". (p. 155)

I like this card, although something about it (perhaps combined with my own emotional state) makes me feel slightly melancholic. The Master knows that the lost innocence never returns...

The Grail Tarot © REDFeather, John Matthews & Giovanni Caselli