Following His tracks in dreams...

I'm the wild bird that won't be tamed
The desire that you don't need to name
I'm the branch that becomes the flame
When the fire's done burning, I remain. 
-- Starhawk (The God Song)

I had a strange dream last weekend. A supernatural dream. I was living alone in a forest with my parents (who weren't my real life parents)... we lived in a hut, completely isolated from the rest of the world. Then one day, a man came and simply killed my parents with an axe. I knew this man lived close by, and I kept expecting him to return and finish his job. It seemed I didn't have much left to lose anyway. But he only returned during a full moon night, in which he unceremoniously broke down the door and marched into my ramshackle bedroom.

He seemed to be a lumberjack, but something about his face showed me he wasn't quite human. His hair was long and in disarray, his clothes were dirty and his eyes, wild. He was completely silent all the time.

I laid quietly on my bed, waiting for him to kill me. Instead he jumped on me and began to bite my neck (no, he wasn't a vampire). It seemed he wanted to turn me into a creature similar to him - he wanted me to be his consort. He had sex with me and then left. When I woke up next morning, I realised I had indeed become something like him... My eyes were wild. I was immortal, and like him I had the power to kill.

But he had given me another power too - the power to heal. At some point in my dream I met one my mother's friend, and she looked as if someone had tried to beat her to death. I sat by her and with my hands, I began to heal her wounds.

I didn't meet the man again... I could feel when he was near and sometimes I caught a glimpse of him, but he did not belong to me. Nor I to him.

PCO: Healing doesn't happen overnight

This reading was done for my friend C.L. She is a 50 years old woman, divorced, who recently broke up with a younger man she had been dating for almost an year. The young man is married, and despite the fact he said his marriage is not a happy one, he never left his wife, which was what made C.L decide to break their relationship.

First C.L focused on other problems, in order to not focus so much on the emotions that this separation arose. But now mourning is beginning to catch up with her, and she has asked the cards when she'll begin to feel better again. "I am 50 years old... I feel that nothing more will happen in my life right now. I don't feel sad, but I feel disappointed with life."

I did the Cat Spread for her, in order to be able to give a more or less precise 'timing'. Before the "cat card" there were 7 piles of 4 cards, so the date I got was between mid-November and the beginning of December. I always allow about two weeks of leeway because I believe the manifestation of the cards is not a single event, but a continuous development that needs to be observed over a period of time.

Below are the two readings I did for C.L.

The Present Spread:

Head (♦/Fire): 2♦

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Throat (♣/Air): 2♣

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Torso (♥/Water): J♣

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Feet (♠/Earth): 5♣

 

The first thing I noticed about this spread if the J♣ in the "Heart" position. Although Lancelot is usually a good card, here he seem to represent the mind dominating the emotions. It's not simply the position he is in, but the fact we have three Clubs cards and no Hearts cards at all!

I think C.L has been using a rationality to 'emerge' from these complicated waters that surround her. She told me she has been dreaming a lot of water lately - perhaps her inner water, unable to manifest in her day life, are seeking release through her dreams.

The J♣ can also represent that younger man she was dating, showing that he's still in her heart.

The two Deuces speak to me of a certain duality within her. There's a desire to overcome this pain and 'stomp' on men all things related to them, which is represented by the 2♦. But there's also a subtle hope for a reconnection, for a companion (2♣). She no longer wishes nourish what she considers a useless expectation (that of finding love at this point of life), but at the same time, there's a part of her that yearns for that.

The 5♣ represents her feeling of being cheated by life somehow, of having had the 'rug pulled out from under her feet', so to speak.

The fact that we have three black cards and one red makes it clear that she's sad. Not desperate - I believe this would be better represented by Spades cards - but gloomy, even thought she appears tough and unaffected on the outside.

The silence of the winter huntress

Since the last full moon, something has changed inside me. A sudden halt in that nervous clockwork in my head. I can't quite explain. If you believe in the power of rituals, I can say that my full moon ritual (which wasn't by any means huge or complex) did help me to find some release from that pain and hopelessness I felt. I had an objective in mind when I did it, but fate writes straight with crooked lines, does it not?

I suspect my goals will reach me in the more unexpected ways. And this sudden absence of that acute suffering is one of them.

It is not to say that I am suddenly all chirpy and passionate about life. Not  yet. In fact, I found that Artemis' message to me turned out to be quite true. I have been living in a very physical level... I know that amongst the spiritual folk this isn't a very good thing. But that's how I am right now... I eat, I sleep, I exercise. I listen to music and feel it within my bones. I come to work and somehow my mind doesn't rebel against my rather shallow activity. I adorn my body for the coming day like the Indians, who paint themselves and wear feathers when doing rituals or hunting. It's a way to evoke something, a power I do not fully understand yet.

And I do all that for no one else but myself.

Somehow I feel like I have reached a strange level of mental and emotional simplicity. I feel close to the animals and their present-focused minds.

PCO: ...and that's why I did not go.

This reading was done on Monday, May 7th.

The situation was: in a couple days there will be an international conference about digital books in another city. This time my company will not pay for it (as they did last year), so I am considering using some of my economies to go. Because it's so close to deadline of the inscriptions, I'll probably pay more for the flying tickets, hotel and the inscription itself than if I had done it earlier... I always save money, but I'm far from wealthy and such a sudden expense is never good. However, if I want, I can do it.

Why did I wait so long? The company only confirmed me that they were not going to fund my trip to the conference last week, although I have been asking them about it for a month at least. Furthermore, they have decided ebooks are not giving us much money right now... we ought to keep doing them, but not make huge investments, and the conference is a bit expensive... so no, they don't think it's necessary for me to go.

But I make ebooks. It's one of my functions here. And it's also one of my trades. Something I could offer to other people, other companies. Yes, this conference interests me very much. However, I am aware of the mental and financial strain a sudden decision can cause me. So I wonder if it's a wise decision in the end...

I consulted the cards.

The question was: what do I need to know about suddenly going to the conference?

Head (♦/Fire): 5♣

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Throat (♣/Air): 7♠

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Torso (♥/Water): 3♦

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Feet (♠/Earth): 8♦

The 7♠, Sword of Destruction, glares at me. But I try to not base my whole interpretation on one card. So I move to the Foot, where we have the 8♦. It's a good card for business. It tells me that, regarding my work, it might be an important experience, I'll learn the more about the product I work with (ebooks) and be with people who specialise in it. Through them I'll expand my views. With the 3♦ above it, signalling growth, it seems sure that going is the best option, professionally speaking.

Oracle of the Shapeshifters: the lesson sinks in

Last Saturday was full moon night... and what a beautiful moon we had. Though I no longer celebrate Full Moon Esbats formally, I like to do my own personal rituals in such nights. I find that observing the Lunar cycles helps me to regain focus and strength... things I have been needing more than ever.

I do not have a formal altar but I always keep a candle, incense and my Witches Runes on the top of my bookshelf.

I did a small ritual and, after that, I decided to pull a card. Strangely I did not feel drawn to any of my usual decks... instead I walked to my bedside table and retrieved the Oracle of the Shapeshifters from the drawer. I shuffled the deck and picked a very interesting card: Artemis of the Forest.

This card is all about independence and going 'back to basics' so to speak. Artemis asks me to become a huntress for a while... stay close to nature, focus on the most earthly needs like food, exercise and sleep and learn what it takes to survive. It's time to leave psychological and emotional complexities behind.

"This is a time for you to go within, into some kind of wilderness and wild place, whether this place is within you, or one that exists in the world. It is time for you to become self-reliant, quiet, stealthy, aware. You must take your place as a being who can survive, and who can support themselves. You may see this as a test or hardship, but it is a great moment of coming into your own power."

I think my cards have been giving me this message for a while now, but for the first time I really understood what it meant. And indeed, lately I have been feeling as if my body is the only thing I can rely on, because it's the only thing that hasn't changed completely about me. Pilates has been particularly helpful to me in reconnecting to my body and feeling more comfortable in my own skin. Looking back at my past reading, I realise that many of the cards were very Earthly, and they were telling me to focus on the most Earthly aspects of my life. Don't do anything meant 'don't take any emotional or mental decisions; focus on simple things, simple thoughts, simple desires'.

RWS Tarot: The Art of Waiting

May started badly, under the sign of self-doubt and hopelessness. Well, we are in the Samhain season here, so maybe this is why I can't relate to the bright vernal emotions that my Northern Hemisphere friends express in their Facebook pages. Instead I have been thinking a lot about death, about what it means to die, and I don't know if it's good.

Yesterday a sadness mixed with despair hit me all of a sudden. I started crying again... my mother got rather miffed at the fact I don't seem to forget fast enough, and left the room. I was alone, and also terribly lonely because I feel like I burden others whenever I express my sadness. I suppose I ought to exercise my quiet dignity with greater effort.

In my desperation, I wanted to find a way to get in touch with that person again. I was sure that if only we could see each other again, talk again, we'd be able to recreate what we had. My RWS Tarot was sitting beside me so I pulled it from its bag and asked what was the best way to proceed if I wished an opportunity to reunite with him. My answer was the Page of Pentacles.

Earth is a slow a element - it's the one that takes the longest to change, and also the one in which changes are more profound. You cannot recover the parts of the mountain that were eroded...only tectonic movements can make the mountain become higher again, but that is also a slow process. And though erosion and continental drift take thousands of years to make themselves noticed, their effects are absolute on the landscape.

Basically the message of the Page was the message I always get: don't do anything. Don't move, don't force life, let things unfold in their own speed. Give time some time. Take care of your practical affairs and of your body. *sigh* I am so tired of getting this message, to be honest, even if it makes sense. For someone action-oriented like me, this is sheer torture.

So, here I am. Not happier nor any wiser, and trying to master the art of waiting. The truth is that I only feel some hope when I am doing something.... for me waiting feels like giving up, feels like dying. But apparently, it's what I must do.

Yesterday I prayed, even though I am not sure if there's anyone out there listening. I was seeking some reassurance. I desperately want to believe that there's a higher purpose behind all this...

“Paradise was from the first intended to be swallowed by the darkness.” ~ Anaïs Nin (in 'Stella')

Rider Waite Smith Tarot: Centennial Edition © US Games Systems, Inc.