I have been out of time.
But who hasn't been out of time lately, right? This seems to be the motto of our current age: to rush through life carrying out a thousand of things, while feeling like there are not enough hours in one's day to accomplish all that we have set out to do. However, the lack of time is not something I feel only in relation to my activities or routine, in a practical sense. I feel like I have been running out of soul-time. Or, rather, like I am running on empty, soul-wise.
In the last couple of years, as the pandemics forced me to isolate and work mostly from home, I was somewhat able to function in what felt like a more natural rhythm for me. Of course, being away from everyone and having to do everything through a computer had their own negative effects. I do not regret going back to work and being with others, as it does me well. The problem is that being constantly on the move between my job, my internship and my classes at the university, while still taking care of my relationships and social life, has been taking its toll. Mainly, it has been leaving me without time nor energy for what I perceive to be my soul-making moments.
Despite what the name may suggest, the 'soul-making' moments are not necessarily related to spiritual practices, like doing rituals or reading oracles, although they may involve these too. If I had to describe it, the soul-making time is about having a certain degree of freedom... a certain degree of emptiness... in which I can just be there. Moments in which I do not have to concern myself so much with others, or to accomplish something practical, or to answer calls and demands that are external to myself.
I remember certain summer evenings in which I would quietly watch a film while crafting something to decorate my altar, or cold winter nights in which I would have some soup while savouring a book. The difference between such occasions and the way I have been living now is that, during those times, there was a certain emptiness, an inner freedom, which allowed me to be fully immersed in the moment. I was empty, yes, but in the way that made it possible for me to be filled again by new ideas. It was a good emptiness. It gave me enough silence to listen to myself.
Nowadays, such moments have become extremely rare. There is always something I must take care of, or something else I should be doing instead. If I am reading a book, I am guilty because there are tons of other things I should be reading for my classes or even my internship. If I decide to do something at night (the nights have always been a potent soul-making time for me), I end up feeling guilty because I should be already asleep, since I have to wake up early every morning.
In short... I am persistently out of my own time. Always having to fulfil an outer obligation, or to follow a rhythm which is not the one my body and spirit are attuned to. I am always tired, always late and always frustrated. I cannot even hear my own thoughts. I feel empty, but it is a bad emptiness, one that leaves me obnubilated, with no inner room for creation or inspiration.
Now, I know the common advice would be for me to maybe take some days off and reassess. The problem is that right now... I cannot just leave my job, or not go to my classes, or cancel my appointment with my patients (my first ones ever, yay!). When I decided to follow this new path, I knew some sacrifices would be required of me. And, right now, the world is asking me to stay true to what I have chosen, and to press on despite the discomfort.
I realise that, even though I feel like my soul is kind of starving right now, I am not desperate, for all this is part of my spiritual journey too. There is something I need to learn from this, either about the world or about myself, a lesson in strength, in resilience, in being able to keep walking through hell.
In the long run, these days will be worth it. But right now, I cannot lie... they feel quite awful!
