It was Autumn, the springtime of death...

I am sick, and not for the first time this month. In March alone I have had viral tonsillitis, viral gastroenteritis and now I am having a bacterial upper respiratory tract infection... It's a known truth that if your mind is sad and your heart is heavy, the body quickly follows them downhill.

Yesterday and early today I felt the tendrils of despair tighten around me again. I don't want to remember. But memories are everywhere, in every little thing. The Autumn breeze, a subtle whiff of perfume, the way light plays with the leaves of a tree... flashbacks of a paradise. I cried, not simply for the loss of a beloved person, but for the loss of a dream with that person.

So I arrived at work, sick and depressed, dropped my stuff on my desk and headed straight to the ladies' bathroom.  The only place here where I can afford some privacy, some silence. I took my Enchanted Oracle with me... I had no question, I just wanted a distraction. Something to quell the flux of images before my eyes. 

PCO: Let go of this dead man!

The weather has changed. We went from a 35ºC (95ºF) summer to a 10ºC (50ºF) almost-winter temperature. Autumn used to milder. But the cold only bothers me because it brings flashbacks of happier times... now gone.

Perhaps I ought to change the name of my blog to "Forlorn Cartomancy" due to the cheerless tone of my most recent posts. *sigh* Bear with me... Although I no longer feel the desperation I felt in the beginning of February, I think I haven't improved much in terms of true healing. I am still mourning, and try as I might, I feel like I am unable to move on.

Mentally I understand what I am going through, but my emotional side is having a hard time catching up with my mind. I really thought I'd be much better by now, but much to my dismay, not only I have not recovered but I seem to have sunk into a state of deep melancholy and hopelessness. People tell me that all will be well... I can see a perfect logic behind their optimistic reasoning. I just can't bring myself to believe in them.

My cards have been my companion in this journey. I try to find some wisdom and comfort in them, but as I said in a previous post, very often the messages are repetitive. All tell me to wait and endure. Don't do anything. Don't force anything.

During the last month, I found some distractions. I got busy helping my mother with the renovations in her bedroom and I began a routine of going out for lunch with my two bests friends, and their company helped me to feel better. But now these distractions have lost their effect because, until a couple of days ago, I was still looking for a solution. I was still hoping that something could be done. And now the realisation that there's nothing left, that this door is closed permanently, is finally sinking in.

Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel...

Desperation is a draining feeling. Eventually even your heart and soul get tired of staring at their own cracks, and they start craving for a certain numbness. A fauxpeace that allows you to go on with your life even though, if you stop and think carefully, you don't really know why you are doing it in the first place.

This is a dangerous Neptunian moment. At the bottom of the Wheel of Fortune, as it ever so slowly prepares to go round again, we are pretty much treading in the lands of the Moon. Here be dragons. This is a kingdom of illusion, delusion, madness. Walking here we get lost in fantasies of revenge and of cure. We touch the highest inspiration with the tip of our fingers, but with a mere thought we are plunged deep into despair. We crave for a miracle with the same intensity we crave to forget everything.

In moment like this, people may look for help in drugs, alcohol, food, fantasies, isolation - ways of getting numb. Hence the danger: in the journey through the Moon lands, the darkest part of the Wheel, you must not drink the fairy wine nor taste the fairy food, lest you stay in the night forever. You must trust something you cannot see, hold on to an invisible lifeline, find power and strength and reason where there's none. And that's where the learning begins - only in the dark we find our deepest power and most primitive survival instincts. Only from the ashes we can be reborn.

No comfort from the cards: a moment to vent

Sometimes I seek comfort in my cards. I do small readings, pull a card or just shuffle a deck I love, looking for a small measure of peace, for a glimmer of hope.

Sometimes... it doesn't work. Shit!

At times, despite my best intentions of being a good student of life, I feel frustrated at the apparent lack of purpose in everything. My cards keep telling to cultivate serenity, to be calm, to stay hopeful, to seek healing and acceptance because every little thing is gonna be alright.

Oh really? Even if it's true, the point is that right now every little thing is being lousy. And my cards are basically telling me to wait for things to get better while nourishing my inner Buddha.

How about that good ol' advice of "not living in the future"? About the present being "the only time you can do anything"? Oh no... the secret is to wait, stay calm and trust the future. Wonderful advice, very comforting knowing that someday, if I am still alive, if I am lucky and if I become spiritually enlightened enough, things may improve. That gives me a lot to work with right now.

I know I'll regret this post someday, but I want to vent. I am angry, I am sad and it seems nothing can be done about it except waiting for Godot.

If anything, this situation is cementing my hopelessness.
I really hope I never fall in love again.

Love seems to be an unfair contract that we sign blindfolded by elusive promises. The happiness it brings is intense but fleeting, and it always ends in searing pain -- at least for one of the people involved.

Maybe this is not the lesson the "universe" wanted me to learn, but either I am a bad student or the "universe" is a bad teacher. I don't see how anyone feeling what I am feeling right now could come to a different conclusion.

I suppose a broken heart is like a broken porcelain vase. Though you may glue the pieces back together, the cracks will always show. It'll always be a damaged vessel.

Oh yes, I wish I could deliver a speech full of peaceful wisdom and acceptance, but I have not a jot of peace nor wisdom in my heart right now. As for acceptance, it's reluctant at best because I have no choice. In any case, corny harangues only work for those who are at the top of Fortune's wheel.

Sigh.

But you know, I realise it's not the cards. It's me. Nothing can comfort me right now.

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