Last Post of the Year

It's kinda ironic to decide to post just a couple of hours before the New Year (at least here in my lonely corner of the planet), when I have barely made any other posts during 2023.

This year was as great as it was tough.
This year also nearly sucked my soul dry.

For the first time in my life, I am spending the Réveillon – that is how we call the New Year celebration here – completely alone. It wasn't my plan, originally. I first hoped to spend it with L, but he got invited by his father to go to the beach. He is on holidays, I am not, so I could not go.

Then I hoped to be with my mother, since I figured she would want to celebrate at home after returning (she spent Christmas abroad with my sister). Turns out she had already made other arrangements with a friend.

My father was my last option, as he had told me he and his wife were going to spend the New Year's Eve here in the city. But in the last minute, a colleague agreed to fill in for him at work, and off he went with his wife on a little getaway.

So here I am, all alone at home, wondering how can I make it special even though all I want is to sleep and forget the world. I have enough exhaustion in my veins to sleep for the next 365 days. As I said, this year sucked my soul nearly dry. The first half of 2024 will probably be more of the same, if not worse. After that, if all goes well, I will finally graduate, and then what comes next... who knows.

I do not feel lonely. I do not feel anything, to be honest. I am thinking about taking a cleansing shower, with salt and herbs, as I always do. Then eat lentil stew – it's a food associated with abundance here in Brazil. Maybe light a good quality incense and smudge my flat. Maybe drink champagne, put some music on, dance. Maybe speak to the Gods – I haven't talked to them since... forever.

And yet... yet there is the tiredness in my heart. A heaviness on my forehead, between my eyebrows, one that often feels like a fissure, like I have a gaping hole where a third eye should be. And then comes this ugly little voice proclaiming the absurdity of it all. What is the point of doing all this, this pantomime of rite and celebration, of spirituality, if nothing inside me seems to change? If I feel constantly crushed by this unnameable anguish that will not allow itself to be cried out of my system? If I often wonder if the Gods care, if They see, if They listen, or if I am just grasping at straws, wanting to believe because otherwise I feel hollow and meaningless.

I think this is one of my greatest flaws: my veiled (and often denied) dependency on an element outside of myself to confer meaning and importance to my existence. Rationally, I know this is not the way to go. And from a purely intellectual point of view, I realise that I must create my own reason to be, because nothing is a given. But as a person who is irremediably called by spirituality, it simply does not suffice to merely accept the reality I see without seeking something beyond.

Like Mulder in the X-Files, I want to believe. Something within me needs faith. And yet, the older I grow, the less I seem to be able to just trust and believe. How does one escape such a conundrum? 

I have never been prone to nostalgia – the past is the past, I must understand it in order to not repeat it, but there is no point in holding it too dear, for I am never going back there again. But lately, I have this sad longing for who I used to be when I was younger. Who I was when I first began to write this blog. So silly, and yet so hopeful, so wide-eyed, so prone to passion, so trusting of my own desires. So willing to try and lose because I believed still had enough time to recover what was lost, if needed.

I usually do not linger in the past. I do not dwell on the missed opportunities, on the dreams that fell apart, on the many doors that were slammed shut in my face before I ever got the chance of seeing what waited for me on the other side. I have come to accept that there are no shortcuts, and that the only way forward is to carry out the tasks I am given by life. I now understand that all important decisions are ultimately made alone, and that I will be the one to pay the price or reap the benefits of what I choose to do with myself.

So I press on, and try to not scrutinise too much the wounds that have carved me into who I am. Sometimes though, I do wonder about what has been lost in the process of my own making. The pieces of me that fell off on the road to who I am now – a much harder, less trusting person, one that has learnt to protect herself and to prevail regardless of the cost. I am stronger now, more resilient and overall a better player of the worldly games.

I am also smothering inside my own armour. And try as I might, I can't seem to remember how to take it off.

What is the point about this post? There is no point, really. I will now get up and do my rituals, because the other option is staring at the walls and feeling sorry for myself for being such a mess on the inside. Truth is, I can't keep expecting for something or someone outside of me to crown me with meaning and importance, and it seems that not matter how much I try to divest myself from this debility, I nevertheless still cling to it.

And perhaps this is the big lesson of ending up alone during the New Year: that I am, indeed, alone. Thus, I must create light and meaning and reason to celebrate in my own solitude. I must know myself to be worth existing even if no one sees me or admires me or approves me. That any rituals I decide to do are not for the benefit of something outside myself, but rather are meant to satisfy something in me, to express something of myself, and no one else needs to avow its validity or not.

Perhaps this is a call to strengthen myself in a new way. No longer by wearing this heavy armour that lets nothing – life, included – pass through. But by fully embracing the expression of myself, in such a way that the armour will no longer be needed.

I am half sick of shadows...

To say that the last few months have been exhausting is an understatement. I've been juggling classes, work and an internship for a year now and it's no cakewalk. I know it's only temporary and that, like everything, it too shall pass... but it has been leaving me with little time and energy for more spiritual pursuits.

Not that, if given all time and freedom in the world, I would know where to go right now.

Sometimes, I miss the safety of having a more 'definite' spiritual background to guide me. My practice, as it is, is a hotchpotch of the traditions that have touched me in one way or another over the years. A little bit of Wicca here, another handful of Greek mythology there, a pinch of Celtic-inspired Paganism, a dash of Catholicism... And, despite having more or less created a spiritual practice that suits my reality, I do not ever feel at home. At best, I am a nomad... at worst, an interloper.

I try to be as careful as I can to avoid cultural appropriation. In my spiritual practice, I do not use items or symbols that belong to cultural groups that have been subjugated in my country, nor I work with their deities. This is one of the reasons why, for instance, I have never worshipped Yoruba deities, even though their cult is widespread here in Brazil. As a white person, I do not believe I have the right to summon black Gods and Goddesses without having established any deeper connection with the African-Brazilian community.

In all honesty, the only pantheons I feel truly comfortable working with is the Greek and Roman ones, because these civilisations were fundamental to the entire western culture. Thus, I feel more legitimate when calling upon these deities than the ones from other societies.

The fact that my own heritage is very mixed also poses a problem. I do not have any obvious ancestry, like so many people do. My family background is all over the place, excluding Oriental countries and the African continent (as far as I know). I have French, Germanic, Iberian, Italian, Lebanese, Native origins, amongst others, all distant enough so that nothing concrete has been inherited in terms of spirituality. I have no reference point from which to start, no blueprint which to follow in order to reclaim a presumed ancestral practice or knowledge.

For that reason, my walk through the winding roads of spirituality is also very lonely. In the current 'sacred feminine' trend we have here, I see a lot of cultural appropriation and superficiality going on – spirit is being used to sell stuff, from coaching to natural cosmetics. And I cannot bona fide join this sort of thing. Meanwhile, I also don't feel like I belong in communities that are truly honouring or rediscovering their ancestral traditions if I cannot ascertain my own claim over that ancestry... which I can never really do, coming from an absurdly mixed heritage.

Living in the Southern Hemisphere also proves a challenge. Most of books and sources I use for research usually come from the Northern Hemisphere, and deal with the seasonal realities there, so I cannot help but feel that my practice is always dislocated. It's as if I am always trying too hard to compensate for the fact that my seasons, my climate, my plants, my animals... in short, my reality doesn't match the guidebook.

Nothing feels mine. And I don't feel like I belong in any faith, or any community. In terms of spiritual ancestry, I feel very much like an orphan, trying to fit in a foster home but ever aware that it's not my real home, nor my real family, and who knows if anyone even wants me there in the first place. Who knows if the Celtic or the Nordic gods would answer to the call of a little mixed descendant of their people, 20 times removed.

I seem to suffer from a sort of "Spiritual Imposter Syndrome". And it has been getting in the way... a lot. I feel a bit like the Lady of Shalott, seeing beautiful things through a mirror, but forbidden to take part in them.

Art: The Lady Of Shalott by Emma Florence Harrison (1877-1955, United Kingdom)

The cruelty of the oracles

Something very sad happened today: one of my boyfriend's cat passed away in my arms. She was suffering from feline hepatic lipidosis, and was being fed through a feeding tube... the disease is reversible sometimes, but we believe she had some unknown comorbidity which made her unresponsive to treatment. We did everything we could to help her, to no avail.

For me, it was particularly painful because Princess was my favourite. Not that I don't love the other cats, but she and I had a special connection. I was the first to notice when she seemed sick, and she responded whenever I called her.

When I first learnt about the worsening of her condition, I was out of town visiting my grandmothers. L told me she first seemed to be improving, and then had a sudden turn to worse. Being so far away and powerless to help, I decided to do a reading about to expect – and it shook me to the bone.

The deck I had with myself was The Wild Unknown Tarot pocket edition, and he cards I drew were the Son of Wands, the 9 of Wands and the (shudder) 8 of Cups.

New Moon Reading: And the days were bright red

Talk about a red reading! I must say it bewilders me a bit. First of all because of the Geomancy: the only figure I get, in all three positions, is Populus. I can only assume this will be a rather populated cycle (terrible pun, I know). And it makes sense – after a few weeks on holiday, I am returning not only to work but also to my psych internship and to my classes. So yes, I will be seeing and speaking to lots of people... may the Mother help my introvert heart!

DigitalAmbler, which is a very nice resource on Geomantic meanings, described Populus as "a symbol of complete passivity, inaction, and inertia. It [...] carries on the status quo or gives any input a force of inertia to continue". Which apparently goes against the flurry of activity suggested by the overall redness of the spread.

But not so fast! Let's see the rest of the cards. The top one, 6♦, while nominally included in the very excitable Diamonds suit, is... a bit lonely and reserved. The Tower does not share much of its energy, but rather saves it. It also relates to feelings of confinement, which connects in an interesting way the the card below it, the 2♥. The Lovers speaks of bonds of love, be it for a person or an activity. Again, we have the impression of being tied to something and not being allowed a lot of free movement, even though it is something one loves.

Then we have the two Queens below, Déjà (Q♥) and Livia (Q♦). Both are very nurturing queens, each in her own way. Déjà is all about empathy and knowing of the heart, while Livia is a card of resourcefulness, supporting others and volunteer work (which is kinda what my psych internship is, since I don't get paid). I feel like my emotional and energetic resources will be in high demand the coming cycle.

One of the most curious aspects about this spread is how it has no... stronger card in it. All cards are red, all cards are even, and the Geomancy gives the same emphasis in all positions. You could argue that both the 6♦ and the Q♥ are in dignified positions, but because we don't have a single contrasting card, like a complementary black suit or an odd number, they kind of fall flat.

So, while the red suggests movement and activity, and the combination of fire and water is a sizzling one... the result is a lot of steam and noise. There is no powerful impetus to direct it... which suits Populus as described by DigitalAmbler.

To summarise, I believe that, in the coming lunar month, I will be at the mercy of external tides. The Geomancy suggests a flurry not merely of activity, but of... other people stuff. The 6♦ speaks of being in a place of security, and the 2♥ is all about connecting through something you love. On the other hand, both cards have as aspect of 'confinement' to them – there is very little leeway. And the Queens represent the skills that will be expected of me, as well as some of the people I might come across.

In all honesty, I am kinda tired already (lol!). 

 

The Picture Book of Fate and Fortune © Ana Cortez & C.J. Freeman

Flower Speaks: Less is more

Despite being one my favourite decks, it has been a long time since I reached for the Flower Speaks for advice. Recently though I had a good opportunity to use it. I find this deck useful for health and body-related issues. Now, like I have mentioned before, I do not think we should use our cards to diagnose anything, and I would not do a reading of the sort for someone else, only for myself.

Lately, my ovulations have been particularly painful. Not every month, but often enough for it to worry me. The pain lasts for nearly a week, often making it hard to eat and to rest. Before taking the problem to my gynaecologist, I decided to do a reading because I suspected my body might be communicating a mental or emotional imbalance.

I made up a small spread to suit my needs. In the Flower Speak, we have two type of cards: the Flower Deck (which include the Flower Arcana, the Element Cards and the Energy Cards) and the Guidance Deck. The former has a purple back, while the former has a yellow back. Anyway, the point is that these two decks are used in a complementary manner, that's why in the picture above we see two cards occupying the same position sometimes.


1. What is the origin of the problem? - 41. Aster (Creative Change) + Leaves (Communication)
First of all, let me focus on the Guidance Card, Leaves. It immediately suggests that the origin of my pain is not the reproductive system itself (which would have been represented by Pistil & Stamen card), but probably something mental. Leaves usually speaks of ailments such as mental exhaustion and anxiety. Combined with Aster, which as an obstacle relates to a difficulty with changes or an unwillingness to make choices, I sense that my imbalance comes from the mental strain I've been under during the last many months. Even though I am on holidays right now, I find it hard to relax, and I have been dreading the fact I will soon have to return to my normal, rather soul-killing routine.

Another point of these two cards together is that both speak of scattered energy, which makes it even harder to make better choices. Lastly, the ovulation is a period very connected to creativity, and these two cards suggests that being overwhelmed by responsibilities has been getting in the way of my usual escape valves, like writing or reading for pleasure.

The Goddess Oracle: Motherhood

 

There is a matter that has been consuming me the last few months: motherhood. I turned 35 years old last December and I'm approaching the point of no return, in which becoming a mother naturally may no longer be an option. I am the eldest daughter and my parents make no secret of the fact they want grandchildren... My sister could probably have children before me, being more professionally stable than I am right now, but she lives abroad and even if she wanted kids, we probably would not be able to be a part of her process, due to the distance.

Honestly, I though that by now I would be stable enough in life so that marriage and children would follow naturally. But then I went back to the University, which means I will soon start my professional life from scratch. And having a child without being financially stable enough is not exactly what I had in mind.

Another issue that troubles me is that my partner, as loving and wonderful as he is, apparently does not want children. So if I decide to have one, there is a chance I will have to follow that path alone.

We are always alone in the choices that matter, anyway.

 

Interview with The Wild Unknown Tarot

I remember when The Wild Unknown Tarot first came out. Instagram was flooded with people reading with it, its black and white minimalism, livened here and there with unexpected splashes of colour, looking so nice in every mystical person's carefully arranged altar pictures. I caved in and bought it. And, honestly, found it underwhelming.

There was no problem with the deck itself. The images did not really speak to me, they seemed random... I guess the hype just made me expect too much from it. In the end I ended up selling my copy and forgetting about it.

Years passed and I became curious about this deck once more. I have grown a lot more interested in deck featuring animals and nature lately, and sort of sick of the digital art I see everywhere (except for Paolo Barbieri's art, because he is really creative!). I found a second-hand copy of the pocket edition of The Wild Unknown for sale and decided to give it another chance. And, surprisingly, the images that had seemed random to me now... make more sense?

So, I decided to interview this deck!

New Moon Reading: There is a (small) fire under the mountain

It's been a long time since I posted a New Moon reading (and quite a while since I last posted, I won't deny that). This reading was done for the last Oracle Tide, the monthly gathering organised by Ana Cortez (learn about it here).

The first card felt somewhat ominous: the 8♠, the Field of Stone, aka the unluckiest card in the deck! Since the Head of the reading tends to 'set the mood', so to speak, I kind of expected a bad news report for the coming cycle. The following cards, however, were a lot less daunting, even though the 5♣ in the Foot position isn't the most sure-footed of all cards.

This is when Geomancy comes in handy, to help us look at a spread from a different point of view. And the Geomancy for this reading is surprisingly positive: Caput Draconis + Albus = Acquisitio. New ventures, when accompanied by wisdom, patience and clear thinking, lead to benefits. Not bad at all!

How how does this combine with the rather underwhelming cards of this spread? Well, the first thing that calls my attention here is the 3♦, the only red card. A long time ago I wrote about this card, about how it points to the creation of opportunities and the development of events, even if at first it seems small or invisible. Combined with the 7♣, the Sword of Enchantment, which speaks of coincidences and the presence of unseen influences, we can see that, its core, the spread shows a situation that is indeed, coming to be. The deep waters - or fires, in this case - are not still, they just haven't come to surface yet.

And then we have the two less positive cards, flanking our more lively pair. The 5♣ in the Foot position speaks of a situation marked by uncertainty - we feel uprooted, not sure where we stand. And the 8♠ points to a heavy obstacle, a sterile scenario that cannot be easily transformed, the inability to act because the moment is not right.

Nevertheless, the 8♠ is also the HEAD of the dragon, if you look at the shape of this particular geomantic figure. Sometimes, trouble is precisely what we need to spearhead us into a different direction. The Field of Stone is bare, there's nothing here, and the message is: consider a different path.

So, this reading tells me this cycle will bring to light an obstacle which might appear difficult to overcome at first, and might render me unstable (5♣). However, beneath this 'wall of stone', a small fire is being kindled by unseen forces, preparing for new ventures. There is a caveat though - too much air can blow this fire out! So it's important to remain confident, have some faith and not let the temporary lack of footing lead to confusion or despair.

The path has lead you to a mountain you cannot - or should not - climb. What looks like the end of the road will actually force you to create new ways, to new places, and it will be for the best.

The Playing Card Oracle © Ana Cortez & C.J. Freeman