The Grail Tarot says... go to Her.

Spiritual thirst has the strangest effects on me.

It begins as an aggressive disconnection from the people around me. My eyes seem to lose their kindness, and I have quite violent thoughts about others, wishing they would all just disappear so that I may be alone and in silence. Then the aggression shifts inwards, and I turn the unkind eye to myself. I look at everything I am with disgust and, under my own relentless onslaught, I grow more and more alone and disconnected. I cannot reach out for others – they would not understand and I would feel exposed. I cannot reach within, because what hates me is in there. I am alone.

This week was filled with such moments. And as I felt the moon grow fuller, I just wanted some comfort. Someone who would listen and, through a radical acceptance, lend me some peace. Sadly, I have no one I feel that I can trust with that. Nowadays, not even my therapist.

It was during one of those episodes that I decided to use my good ol' Grail Tarot and ask for some... comfort. Really, I did not even have a well-defined question in my mind. I just wanted a sign. I used The Brothers Spread, a two-card layout that is taught in the book and that has helped me many times before.

The first card is is the Indicator, and is the answer to the question. Here we have the Six of Stones, which shows the Seeker kneeling before a status of the Virgin Mary after having all his things stolen. He's down to the bare bones, yet he must continue his journey. This card points there is a way out of a dark place, but one must be willing to ask for help or resort to someone in a higher position. For me, the meaning was very clear – it was high time I went to the Mother, to speak to her of my confusion and pain.

The second card, which is the Qualifier, only seemed to confirm this. I drew the Lady of Lances, and here we see the Pietà: Mary cradling the body of her dead son after the Passion of Christ. Mary supports Jesus' mortal body, carrying for it even through her own sorrow. According to The Grail Tarot book, this card means that even through the hardest moments, one is supported. "When things seem to heavy to bear, she [Mary] walks beside [the Seeker], offering her gentle wisdom and loving kindness to restore their spirits" (p.120). The first card told me to go to Her. To the Mother, She of a Thousand Faces, who called me to Her when I was but a child and taught me the ways of both light and darkness. The second card confirms - She is listening. Take your pain to Her, for She is there.

I went to my altar and wept, like I hadn't done in months. And there She was.



The Grail Tarot © REDFeather, John Matthews & Giovanni Caselli