While these preoccupations are usually just percolating in the back of my mind, sometimes they come to the forefront and the weight of them hits me really hard. I get nervous when I realise that I am far behind in achieving certain traditional adulthood milestones. Of course, a lot of that is my own tyrannical self-criticism doing its thing. It's not like my life is an utter disaster. I have a stable job, I have my own place, my own car, I am studying and I have excellent grades even though I both work and study... I am well-liked by my patients and colleagues. I'm doing my best with what I have in hands at the moment, but my inner critic only focuses on the ways I seem to be falling behind compared to my peers.
I am not a naturally anxious person. However, coming to the conclusion that certain issues are still beyond my control (because it is not time for me to tackle them just yet) can sometimes lead me to experience the "racing thoughts" people with anxiety often describe. This happened to me yesterday, and as I realised that running in circles (mentally) was not helping me get closer to any useful solution, I decided to turn to the cards for help.
I did not have a definite question; I just wanted to shed some light on what am I supposed to do with all these thoughts and doubts that I cannot solve yet, but that will not leave me either. The funny thing is that, as I shuffled the cards, the image of Yemaya's card flashed in my mind. And when she came up, I knew I was just getting a powerful confirmation of what I already (kind of) knew: the only way to deal with what is beyond your control is to surrender.
These two questions from the Goddess Oracle book hit me hard: Do you think you must do it all by yourself? Have you come up against a wall and feel the only way to get to the other side is by breaking through? Because they have ME written all over them. That is me: always believing that I must decide and do everything on my own, and often struggling against the walls because I fear nothing will happen if I don't break through them myself. Needless to say that I have a difficult time trusting others – even the Divine, sometimes.
So Yemaya was a gentle wake-up chant, telling me that I must do what I can with what I have in hands right now, and let the uncontrollable aspects of the future unfold as they may. You can plan ahead, but you cannot act ahead. The moment for certain decisions has yet to come; right now, I need to surrender and trust that the dots will somehow connect. It's not about giving up, but about realising that you can't skip steps in your life's journey. Like Nathan Algren says in The Last Samurai, you do what you can until destiny is revealed. And you must trust that destiny will reveal itself, one way or another.
After the reading, I lit a candle and an incense, thanking Her for gently untangling me from my anxious thoughts. I slept well for the first time in many nights.
Wholeness is nurtured when you realise that the only way through some situations is to surrender and open to something greater. ~ Yemaya, from The Goddess Oracle
The Goddess Oracle [Brazilian Edition] copyright © Amy Sophia Marashinsky & Hrana Janto
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